I am sitting here in my office with a burning question clawing away at my soul: what the hell am I doing at work? I think. Then I think some more. I could be doing any number of other things.

It’s April. I could be at a ball game, zooming around like a pretend millionaire in my convertible, or even just watching TEEvee in my underpants with beer in hand sitting on my screened in porch. Anything but sitting here on my can staring at this stupid computer screen. I think I hate this computer. It has a nice big 17 inch screen that I have planted my face 2 feet from. Normally sitting so close to a screen would be my idea of intimate contact. But here there are no cartoons, no talking Trans Ams, not even Solitaire or Minesweeper. Just spreadsheets and cost-benefit analyses.

Ah, cost-benefit analyses. Now I remember why I am at work: they pay me.

Money. Now I remember. With out work I wouldn’t have the cash to go to a ball game. But if I ditch work for a day game I won’t have the cash to pay for the ticket. What a horrible Catch-22. However, this does remind me that a few of us Evil Robots took a day off of our paying, "real" jobs to observe the most sacred of national holidays: Opening Day. Sketchy and Godzilla were able to obtain tickets for Opening Day 2000 at Camden Yards in Baltimore. Fantastic. Now, I wouldn’t advocate that Opening Day become a national holiday in the sense of Super Bowl Sunday, when everybody gets the day off. If everyone had off for Opening Day it would lose it’s special meaning. The first game of the year is almost always a day game. Therefor you get to take off of work to go see it. What fun would it be if everybody got to take off of work? Not anywhere near as much. Sure, scoring a ticket to Opening day is worth envy. But not as much as getting to take off work to go see a ball game. And in decent cities like Baltimore, taking off of work for Opening Day is on par with taking off of work to give birth on the acceptability scale.

All this talk about baseball, and Opening Day in particular, reminds me of a point I have been thinking of for quite a while: Bud Selig must go. Or, on a more broad level- Major League Baseball better stop pissing God off! I am totally serious. God is mad at baseball. It is obvious. I can explain myself, as I have a theory. I always have a theory- but this is a good one. Here it goes: God is mad at Major League Baseball for holding Opening Day in March. Opening Day in March goes against the laws of common decency. It just shouldn’t happen. Opening Day cannot be before April 1. It’s just the way it is. Now, how do I know that God is mad about this? Easy. The first time MLB held Opening Day on the last day of March a few years ago God made it snow in any vaguely northern city for most of April. Many games were snowed out. In April. And then Bud Selig really did it this year by putting Opening Day, with several days left in March, in JAPAN. God was not happy. So he blew up a mountain. That’s right- he blew up a mountain! You think I’m full of crap? Think. That volcano erupting. Just a few days after the Mets played the Cubs in Tokyo. Not a coincidence. It’s all Bud Selig's fault. This is why we must all band together as a nation and demand his beheading. Just wait until he tries to go through with one of his "re-alignment plans". What will happen then? I’ll tell you what- earthquakes in New York, tidal waves in Denver, genitals bleeding of their own accord… it will be the end of life as we know it!

What was I saying? I’m pretty sure there was a point to all of this. Hmm. Oh yeah. What the hell am I doing at work when I could be at home watching Magnum reruns on A&E?