January 2002

Evil Robots Gives Gary Condit Whatfor in Local Bar

WASHINGTRON, DC- At a bar in the exciting Capital Hill neighborhood of Washington, DC, Grandpa and Godzilla, co-founders of Evil Robots, Inc., were seen drinking last Thursday night.

According to published reports and several eye witnesses, the two drank mai-tai's for three hours. During that time, they conversed with patrons about recent shark attacks in Hawaii as reported in the Sacramento Bee.

"I know who's next!" shouted Godzilla. "Hey Gary! The sharks are back in town! You are next! And they don't care if you are a Jet."

Godzilla was shouting at intern-sexing-killing-then-dumping-in-the-park Congressman Gary Condit (D-CA) who was having drinks with lobbyists that evening in the very same establishment.

"I don't know why Gary would come to our bar," said Grandpa. "Every time he comes here, we throw cheese balls at him. Last week I pegged him in the eye."

"What do you mean 'our bar'?" asked Godzilla. "We followed him in here, you asshole. Just like we have every Monday night for the last six months."

A non-plussed Grandpa replied, "Whatever. There are more of us than there are of him."

"Touche!" Godzilla was reported to have said right before winging a beer nut at the congressman's head and signaling a waitress for another round.

Congressman Condit, who earned world wide fame during slow news months in the summer of 2001 for "involvement" in the "disappearance" of an obsessed intern from his office, declined comment on the cheese ball and beer nut incident. "Out of respect for Frito-Lay and the Frito-Lay family of products, I should not comment on that incident."

"The sharks disappeared when he finally left the front pages. Now that the sharks are back, I am certain that he is up to something. I bet he was caught beating his monkey during a committee hearing," said Grandpa, "They all do it, you know."

"No, you do it! Jerk!" replied Godzilla.

'No, wait!" Godzilla frantically interrupted himself, "I bet he was caught getting blow jobs while speaking at a podium like in Police Academy. President Clinton did that too, but he didn't get caught. He was smart to not kill his intern. Do you think Gary's intern knew Clinton's intern? Hold the phone… do you think there's some kind of an intern prostitution ring here in DC? Who is the pimp? Ten bucks and a coke says it's the universities. We all know those deans are evil. It just proves that going to college, especially graduate school, is prostituting yourself. You were right, Grandpa, grad students are whores."

Godzilla then fell off the table he was standing on and, upon hitting the floor, threw up on Mr. Condit's lobbyist friend's shoes. In an attempt to "save face", Godzilla called the lobbyist a "K Street whore," and added, "take that, bitch."

The Congressman denied any prior involvement with sharks or any responsibility for any shark attacks. He did ask the manger to remove Grandpa and Godzilla from the establishment.

"He was drunk," said the manager, Mike 'Licken' Humper, "Just because he killed all those people, he has no right to ask me to remove two of my best customers. Drink sales go up when they are here. Condit can go fuck himself. What do I look like, an intern?"

"Sure," Mr. Humper continued, "I respect him and all for killing his girlfriend, but he refused to help me chop up my "missing" wife and throw her remains in separate freight trains back in September, and I can't never forgive him for that."