February 2002

Evil Robots Continues "Project Fuck With Gary Condit"

Washingtron, DC (ERI) Early Saturday morning, US Congressman Gary Condit (D- CA) called police to his home to report a break in and vandalism of his apartment in the Adams-Morgan section of Washington, DC.

"This is the work of two very disturbed people. This time, they will not get away with it." Congressman Condit said in a statement outside his apartment building Sunday morning.

According to Police reports, two white males, age 25-30, climbed up the side of Condit's apartment building in Spiderman suits, and broke into his bathroom. When inside, one took a bubble bath while the other wrote poems and drew pictures of ponies prancing under rainbows on his wall and floor.

A Col. with the DC Police said, "Some of it was pretty funny, but most of it was just strange. They misspelled some real easy words, and their poems did not rhyme all the time." Along with the ponies, they also drew a map of Rock Creek Park with arrows indicating 'good places to bury pregnant girlfriends.'

The police suspect two local men, named Godzilla and Grandpa, co-founders of Evil Robots, Inc. They have previously been accused of harassing Condit in various public establishments.

"Accused? No! We harass Gary every chance we get. It's pretty fun," wispered Godzilla, who had been hiding in this reporters closet. He ran out, leaving a trail of Swedish fish behind him.

Among some of the statements written on Condit's wall and floor was: "Shandra (sp) told me in a dream that she hated the color scheme in this room. She thought there was too much tan." Also, "Gene Gene made a machine. Joe-Joe made it go. Art-Art blew a fart and blew the whole damn thing apart."

"That caught me by surprise," said Condit. "I always thought that was pretty funny."

During Congressman Condit's press conference, Grandpa and Godzilla pulled up in a stretch limo, hanging out of the sun-roof. "Hey Gary!" yelled Grandpa, "I like what you've done with the place, but I think you need new bath oils. The one's you got did not get the smell out of my socks!"

Congressman Condit snickered and said, "If you are so concerned about Ms. Levy and her family, how come you misspelled her name?"

Godzilla spit his champagne out from his mouth and said, "Yeah, well at least I didn't kill her! This is not the end, Gary!" The limo sped off into the morning. Reports from across town said that Grandpa and Godzilla parked the limo at a Metro Station in Virginia and made collect phone calls to Condit's California office for over an hour from "Bob Adababi-itsaboy".