February 2003

Grandpa Makes Derogatory Comments About First State

WASHINGTRON, DC -- According to Grandpa, Co-Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Evil Robots, the First State is the "skinky" state.

During his latest drives through Delaware, he remarked to his wife, Bigfoot, "What the fuck it that smell? Have you been eating petrochemicals?" He realized almost immediately that, neither he nor his lovely wife had 'dealt it,' Delaware did it.

The smell, most likely coming from chemical plant in the vicinity of the Delaware Memorial Bridge, registered very high on Grandpa's Terrible Smell Scale. On the scale, chemical plant smells are above cow manure, and just below the road-trip farting contest he lost in 1998. "If I was blind I would have no trouble finding this crappy little state. I would follow the smell."

When asked to guess what Delaware smelled like, Grandpa said, "[It] smells like some kind of freaky synthetic shit," to which he added, "Who the fuck decides to live here?"

When he heard about the comment, Delaware residents were shocked. Bob Washbourne, or Dover, said, "It's not fair for him to judge the entire state because of one small part of it. Dover doesn't smell that way!"

Grandpa replied to the resident's comments by e-mail, "You people can all go screw. From this point forward I will refer to Delaware as 'Smell-every-where'!"

Godzilla, Evil Robot's Co-Founder and CEO, had this to say about Grandpa's comments. "He is right. Screw Delaware. Maryland should invade it and take over! Just look at a map. They are asking for it. I say that either Maryland takes Delaware and fixes it, or just bulldozes it right up next to New Jersey. That place fuckings stinks too. Like that detergent smell in New Brunswick is fucking fooling anybody."

Later in the day, Grandpa and Godzilla set up a shop at the Maryland House rest area on Interstate 95 just south of Delaware selling "Fuck Delaware" tee-shirts. When confronted by angry Delaware residents, they sprawed them with pepper-spray and tossed rocks at their cars. Maryland State Troopers escorted the two men safely to Baltimore. No charges were filed against the men or their assailants.

"They want to be in a Maryland jail!" said Grandpa, "It smells way better than Delaware!"