March 2002

Special Olympics Interceded Secretly in Olympic Skating Scandal
ERI Undercover

WASHINGTRON, DC-- At an early evening press conference held near the National Press Club, Grandpa and Godzilla, co-founders of Evil Robots, Inc., revealed the findings of their undercover investigation into the recent Ice Skating scandal at the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics.

According to unnamed sources, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) and the International Skating Union (ISU) resolved the controversy over the gold medals awarded to Russia's Elena Berezhnaya and Anton Sikharulidze and Canada's Jamie Sale and David Pelletier. After days of deliberation, the international groups requested the trusted awarding skills of the Special Olympics.

In the days following the pairs skating final, news reports leaked to the world that French judge Marie-Reine Le Gougne had been coerced by Russian officials to cast her vote for the Russian pair. According to the report released by ERI, both the IOC and ISU were desperate to resolve the controversy before the weeks end.

"It was at that desperate moment," said Grandpa, "when the IOC and the ISU were called by the Special Olympics. And honestly, that's really the only way to adequately deal with the French."

Godzilla pushed Grandpa and interjected, "Of course the Special Olympics called. They are always trying to ruin the spirit of the Olympic games for the Normals. Those bastards think everyone should win a damn award, even when they clearly lost, or failed to finish! What the fuck?"

According to their sources, the IOC and ISU did not want to listen to the suggestions by the Special Olympics, but with the pressure from the American media building by the hour, they felt they had no other option.

"What a bunch of jerks!" yelled Grandpa, "Just because that Canadian girl has big teeth does not mean she is retarded! I know way more retarded people who deserve the gold medal just as much, or even more, than those damn Canadians! Fucking retards."

"This is a great miscarriage of Olympic justice," bellowed Godzilla, "What the fuck are those fuckers fucking thinking? Fuck that! After the public gets its hands on this report, they will call for a legal separation between the IOC and the god-damned Special Olympics."

The report concludes that if the Special Olympics continues to intervene in the judging of Olympic and other world-wide events, international sport as we know them will cease to exist. "Except for figure skating," explained Godzilla, "that fucking retarded sport will stay exactly the same."