March 2003

Grandpa Renames Himself "Dollar Bill," Goes Insane

BALTIMORE, MD-- By all outward appearances, all is right in the world. But, according to a number of witnesses, Grandpa, the co-founder and Editor-in-Chief of Evil Robots, Inc., is going out of his mind. Or to be more precise, he is shedding his last strands of sanity. While this appears to be no surprise to his closest friends, it is a shock to his fans around the world.

Due to a recent life-style change, Grandpa now spends most of his waking hours alone at home watching the television, eating leftovers, and surfing the internet. Apparently, in just three short weeks, he changed from a mild mannered magazine owner to a crazed shut-in.

"I love him and all, but I don't know how long he thinks I will go along with his fucking mind-games," stated Evil Robots contributor, and wife, Bigfoot. "Yesterday I found him sitting on our front steps in a Reebok running suit drinking 40's of malt liquor. He insisted that I start calling him 'Dollar Bill' and then proceeded to yell "Dolla, Dolla Bill, y'all" while flashing gang signs at the fire hydrant."

"What the fuck?" asked the beleaguered and devoted wife.

In a investigation of his recent phone records, a source found numerous phone calls to lawyers who advertise on television, as well as calls to local radio stations. One law firm receptionist, who asked that her name be withheld, said he called three and four times a day inquiring about suing Subway for giving him a tapeworm. She also said that he changed his name and voice for every call, but did a very bad job of it.

"Yesterday he called himself 'Steve Bishop', then about five minutes later he called back and said his name was 'Steve Bishop's dad.' What the fuck?" she pleaded.

CEO and co-founder of Evil Robots, Godzilla, visited Grandpa early last week to check up on him and his condition. He said that Grandpa seemed very calm and normal, but when he returned from a trip to the bathroom, he found Grandpa "slapping the tee-vee with his dick" because, according to Godzilla, Grandpa "really wanted to see the Rick James/Issac Hayes episode of the A-Team."

Godzilla then told his cohort, "I fucking hate Col. Decker as much as the next guy, but seriously, dude, you should probably be wearing a basketball jersey if you're going to do that."

"C'mon, Dolla Bill. Also, next time your wife gives you shit for drinkin' 40's on the stoop, you need to yell "step off, bitch! You don't know me. You don't know me."

"Seriously, what the fuck?" he added. "Do you want these tacos or not?"

The many calls to Grandpa were seldom returned, and even when this reporter got him on the phone, all Grandpa would say is, "I bet you don't know what I'm doing with my hands right now."

Everyone seems to be asking the same question: What the fuck?

What the fuck, indeed.