April 2002

ERI Editorial Board Goes Bowling With Talking Dog

BALTIMORE, MD-- Last Wednesday, Grandpa and Godzilla, Co-Founders of Evil Robots, Inc. accompanied each other for an evening of bowling, drinking and fun. With them for the evening was Grandpa's wife, Bigfoot, and Godzilla's talking dog, Jones.

According to numerous reports, the four arrived at Western Lanes in Laurel, MD at 8 o'clock after eating at a local Wendy's. In fact, Grandpa enjoyed the food so much that he insisted on being called "Junior Bacon Chee" for the entire evening.

Bigfoot, Godzilla and Grandpa bowled four games each over the entire evening. They took numerous breaks to drink beer and eat birthday cake. Also, Jones the Dog caused almost a dozen near-fights because of his rowdy behavior.

Jones repeatedly hooted at women as they passed, witnesses said. He said, "That skirt would be much better without those panties, lady!" to numerous women. One particular woman, Lisa Lindwood of Bowie, and her boyfriend, Rick Gunderson, of Upper Marlboro, confronted Godzilla about the comments. When asked to apologize, Godzilla told the young man that his dog made the offending comments. "Take it up with that guy," grunted Godzilla as he pointed at the dog. Witnesses claim the dog said, "Yeah! I said that. What are you gonna do, punch me? I'll bite your balls off!"

Such occurrences happened repeatedly throughout the evening.

Mr. Jones' final offense of the evening were comments made to an over-weight gentleman named Ronnie Pinkto, originally of Dundalk, MD. Jones yelled, "Hey, fat-so! Maybe some day they will add three or four more frames to bowling so you can bowl your fucking weight you fucking fat-ass!" Mr. Pinkto attempted to assault Jones, saying, "Yew bedder cawl an amblance, boy! I'm gone tear you anew azzhowl!" He chased the dog out of the bowling alley, yelling, "Ashly, I'm gone eet yer bawls!"

Before the Prince George's County Police arrived, Grandpa, Bigfoot and Godzilla left the establishment through a rear exit.

In a telephone interview with this reporter later that evening, Jones admitted that he may have stepped over the line with some of his comments. "I, of all beings, should be sensitive to those who are different; the fat, ugly and dumb. I was blessed with intelligence and the power of speech. Also, I can lick my own balls."

When asked if he would ever stop being mean to people, he said, "Maybe I will stop yelling at fat people, but I will never stop my grass-roots lobbying for women to not wear panties when wearing short skirts. My work is far from done. And, like I said, I can lick my own balls."