April 2002

Washington Just Isn't the Same Without Gary Condit to Kick Around

WASHINGTRON, DC-- CEO and Co-Founder of Evil Robots, Inc, Godzilla, is very sad these days, sources report. Since Rep. Gary Condit (Intern Killer - CA) stopped trolling for chicks in local Washington, D.C. bars over one month ago, Godzilla is left with very little to do in bars anymore.

"For a whole year I would follow Gary around harassing him and charging drinks to his account." Said Godzilla, drinking a 'Frozen Chandra', a refreshing beverage he invented in May 2001 in honor of Gary's murdered intern, Chandra Levy.

A 'Frozen Chandra' is one part Vodka, one part blackberry liqueur, and one part Manischewitz, poured over ice and mixed in a blender, served with a mini-plastic shovel. In bars close to Rock Creek Park, it is called a 'Pregnant Intern' and served with specialty napkins with a satirical pirate map of locations to bury people.

"Grandpa and I sent Gary fifteen or sixteen of those to his table every night. I think he learned to love them. But now that he's gone, I have no one to drink them with."

When Co-Founder of Evil Robots, Inc., Grandpa, arrived, Godzilla cheered up slightly.

"He is really bumming," said Grandpa, "I am thinking of flying with him to California so we can visit Gary for a week next month. But the Levy family won't pay for both of us to go."

"Yeah," said Godzilla, "They will pay for a cadre of lawyers to spread lies about Gary, but they won't fly me out to make his life a living hell. That's crap! But because it is true, it will never make the front cover of the Washington Post."

"They'll publish anything!" said Grandpa. "I wish I was a Post reporter. It is much easier than back in the days when you had to check your sources!"

"But at least they know how to read," retorted Godzilla, "unlike that sorry excuse for a newspaper, The Washington Times. If I had a bird, I would line its cage with it. But I don't, so instead I have to spread it out on my kitchen floor and shit on it myself."

"Yeah, but what about the New York Post?" responded Grandpa.

"That's off the point, man. That's not even a newspaper. Why the fuck do you always change the subject? Fuck you, you fucker!" yelled Godzilla as he started to sob.

In the past few weeks, according to sources close to Evil Robots, Inc., Godzilla has been very moody and quick to get angry at people for the slightest infraction. And, according to the same sources, Grandpa is no better.

Last week, Grandpa spent an entire evening calling local radio stations claiming he was Chandra Levy and requesting Elton John's classic song, "Tiny Dancer."

Said Phil Lardass of WJX, 90.1, an all news station, "The first, second and third calls were pretty amusing, but the tenth and eleventh were plain strange. I don't know which one of those guys it was, because whoever it is, he was just beeping repeatedly. Assholes."

While it is true that over a year ago, Grandpa and Godzilla enjoyed countless evenings together drinking and socializing with people all around the D.C. metro area, their relationship with Gary Condit changed them forever.

"Shut up, jerk-ass!" said, Godzilla, in an e-mail sent minutes before deadline this evening. "If the voters had not lured him into their car, killed him and buried him in the park - politically speaking - I would not be in this terrible shape."

"Me, too," said Grandpa, somehow.