April 2003

Due to Economy, Evil Robots Demand Cuts

BALTIMORE-- "We're really cutting it now!" exclaimed Evil Robots, Inc. co-founders Grandpa and Godzilla yesterday at a press conference announcing a new economic program to help the American economy. The plan, as explained by Grandpa, involves reducing people's spending on what they call "costly" food items, including cheese.

"I bet you think this is something only nine-year old would support," said Godzilla, CEO of ERI, "But we feel that it's important for all Americans to cut the cheese - out of their budget!" He and Grandpa giggled, gave each other five, up high, down low, around the bend, then back again, and then pointed at a picture of a young boy laughing.

The plan, which the two men feel strongly about, is intended to "rip one off" American food budgets by 5 to 10 percent. "People can put that money back into the economy by starting businesses, like a gum restaurant, and buying stocks. It's a fool-proof plan." said Grandpa.

"Gum is a low-cost renewable source of food," added Godzilla.

"Yeah," quipped Grandpa, "and this will only work if the Moms of America start cutting the cheese in the store, and at restaurants."

When asked if their plan was too "crude" and "puerile" to "dignify" a Saturday morning press conference, Godzilla said, "Are you serious? Do you want the terrorists to win? If more people don't start cutting the cheese, as individuals, and family units, our economy will be flaccid. Stop waging class warfare at my press conferences. Up yours, Brokaw! This cucumber ought to do the job."

With that, Godzilla angrily pitched a cucumber at NBC News anchor Tom Brokaw's head, leaving a sizable welt.

According to ERI historians, the top 5% of earners in American account for 67% of the cheese cutting per day, but their volume accounts for merely 14% of the total cheese. "The lower 5% of earners in American account for over 80% of the cheese cut by volume. That is totally unacceptable," said Grandpa.

"The American middle class needs to increase their cheese cutting in order to boost the economy." Grandpa continued, "Most of the cheese cut by the poor is government subsidized - and never re-invested in the community."

Godzilla yelled, "Suburban Moms need to begin cutting that cheese in the stores, soccer fields and bedrooms of America. It sounds stupid, but it may help us."

When asked about the ERI plan, Bush White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said "What are you talking about? The economy will be saved by eliminating dividend taxes, not with cheese."

"Fuck that guy," said Godzilla.