Third Anniversary Special/2002

DC, Baltimore Mayors Announce New Plan to Fight Crime in Metro Area: Jabberjaw!

ROCKVILLE, MD- In a move that will confuse people for generations, Baltimore Mayor Martin O'Malley and Washington D.C. Mayor Anthony Williams have announced that they are looking to hire cartoon crime fighters, Jabberjaw, Grape Ape, and Underdog to help reduce crime and violence in their respective communities. The press conference was held on the steps of the courthouse in Rockville, MD, where Mayor O'Malley grew up.

"Mayor Williams and I both know that the only way to fight the absurdly high crime rates in this region is by using absurd measures. Knowing that, we have come here today to publicly call on Jabberjaw to help us fight crime in Maryland and Washington, DC," said Mayor O'Malley, wearing a baseball cap and baggy Addidas warm-up pants.

"Martin is right, and this plan is perfect. If Jabberjaw agrees to help confuse criminals in the act of breaking the law, then Grape Ape or Under Dog can swoop in and beat them up. I freakin' love Grape Ape." A giggling Mayor Williams then added. "Beagley Beagley!"

In a press release, the Mayors drew pictures of criminals being punched in the head and stomach by Grape Ape and Under Dog, but this reporter could not find a drawing of Jabberjaw.

"Oh, I am still working on my Jabberjaw. It's not quite there yet," stated O'Malley.

"And we need a new pen," added Williams.

"In closing," O'Malley continued, "we've come to realize that the only way our two closely linked metropolises can successfully fight historically violent crime is to join our forces. We must put our differences aside and team up to fight our enemies, much like the Autobots and Decepticons did to save the Earth on many occasions… hey Tony, do you suppose Optimus Prime or the Dinobots are available? We really should have thought this through better before the press conference…"

Dr. Thomas Winthrop, Professor of Criminology at the University of Maryland said that while the addition of Jabberjaw, Underdog and Grape Ape to the police forces may bring some national attention to the area, it is not a guarantee that crime will come down. "You know, these characters bring with them a lot of baggage. There are arch enemies we have to think about. And of course, Grape Ape fucks shit up on his days off, and I don't think the local merchants will like that all too much."

Rocco DePhillipe, Vice-President of the Police Officers Union had something different to say. "Our union is not ready to accept someone like Jabberjaw into our ranks. I hear that he ate his last three partners. I mean really, he's a goddamn shark. He eats people. That's his nature. You guys are fucking insane."