"Form this day forth, people will be certain that their sex toys will be not only slick, but sanitary. And possibly delicous," said ERI co-founder, Grandpa. "This is a very big day."

Several months ago, Grandpa and Godzilla visited a local sex-shop, looking for a sex-swing to buy for Grandpa's wife's birthday. In the store they found an assortment of anal beads and hard plastic butt-plugs among the dildos and vibrators. After buying the swing, they immediately began working on finding a way to make the use of sex toys safe and easy at the same time.

"We are dedicated to Science," they said. "Like Batman."

After repeated attempts to contact the makers of Pam by phone, the two broke into the home of design engineer, Dr. David Timmons, and forced him to make the calls for them. Within three weeks, Grandpa and Godzilla were well on their way to creating this revolutionary and low fat product.

"When I saw that string of anal beads, I knew that there was no way my girl-friend would use those unless I could guarantee that they were both clean, and well lubricated. I was right." said Godzilla. "Until yesterday, she refused to use them!"

That comment not withstanding, the press conference continued for twenty minutes, with graphic drawings of how to apply the spray properly. Many members of the press were asked to help with the demonstration. Sam Donaldson, who was admittedly at the wrong press conference, allowed Grandpa to lubricate three large marbles and painlessly slide them up his nose.

"I can't believe it! This stuff really works!" said Donaldson, who tucked the two complimentary bottles into his jacket pocket. "It's just too bad Cokie Roberts left ABC's 'This Week' for NPR, I think she really would have enjoyed this. Then again, maybe that's why she went to NPR- I hear they're really into anal beads over there. I guess she took my 'NPR reporters are a bunch of buttplugs' comment seriously."

The product will be on shelves in sex shops and grocery stores alike on June 7th, 2002.