May 2003

Evil Robots Expands Edible Monetary Policy

BALTIMORE -- With President Bush's job creating tax cut bogged down in Congress, the staff at Evil Robots, Inc. set out to save the economy on their own. In the face of tremendous odds and scoffing economists, they think they might have saved America's economy. Their answer: Hot Dogs.

At a mid-afternoon press conference outside Baltimore's Camden Yards, Evil Robots, Inc. co-founders, Godzilla and Grandpa, announce the addition of a new currency: Hot dogs. For many years now, they have used the tex-mex style Taco for repayment of debts, but in this new, troubled economy, they were forced to branch out into a new, braver world with a delicious supplement.

"Our Chief Monetary Researcher, Bigfoot, gave to us her conclusions just this morning," said Grandpa, holding an Eskay Ballpark Hot Dog in his hand, "and she thinks hot dogs are the new Taco!"

"Yes," added Godzilla, "The hot dog is America's answer to the taco. It's a meaty treat wrapped in delicious four-based confection, and it's going to change the way we pay off our mounting debt. This is the perfect way to infuse the financial system with a new hand-held form of edible currency. I should also note how critical it is to diversify your holdings as much as possible. A lack of diversification is what brought the Japanese economy down 3 years ago. With both hot dogs and tacos we can't fail!"

This new monetary policy, written in chalk on Eutaw Street, just outside Baltimore's world-famous Camden Station Warehouse, states that debts once repaid in tacos could be accepted in hot dogs, or combination of both. The going rate for a standard hot is nearly ¼ of the current price of a regular taco. However, kosher franks do approach parity with tacos, and have even been know to exceed them, most notably a Hebrew National or Nathan's with onions, sauerkraut, and deli mustard.

"Until further notice, we will accept tacos or hot dogs, and so will you. All of you!" said Grandpa.

"In New York City, a jurisdiction burdened with horrible debt because President Bush has refused to help it recover from the terrorist attacks, one can buy a hot dog 24-hours a day for under a dollar a piece." Godzilla said, adding "President Bush can take it in the dumper as far as I'm concerned."

Grandpa then expounded by saying that the value of a taco is very low in the more northerly portions of the country, but in places like New York and Chicago, the hot dog holds a fairly high value. "This new monetary policy is more than Bush has done. I guess he's too busy choking- and by that I mean 'deep-throating'- on pretzels to take any serious action. Pretzels ain't worth shit."

The current system of Tex-Mex Debt Repayment will not be dismantled, they said. But under this new addition to the system, people will find it easier to repay their debt in smaller portions, nearly as satisfying as full repayment.

"Anyone who can boil water can use the hot dog system. It will level the playing field, as it were," continued Grandpa, noting that tacos are somewhat difficult to find in every city and require not only a frying pan, but a cutting board and knowledge of spices to create an something worth eating.

Reaction to their findings varied throughout the food world. Jorge Fernandez, Executive Director of the DC Papusaria Alliance, said "this is a spit in the face of our years of devotion to portable food currency. Those jerks can fuck a horse!"

Albert Boutini, Pizza Makers of Maryland Board President, reacted less harshly. "Our food is still accepted as the best way to repay a large debt. We have been lobbying Evil Robots to begin accepting individual slices, and I guess we have a ways to go still." Pizza Makers are also working on the acceptance of the 6-foot submarine sandwich and the calzone.

Godzilla has hinted that Evil Robots is willing to study meatball subs, but has made no firm commitment.

Godzilla and Grandpa do not worry about other food makers. "We know this is a difficult time for all of us, and we're trying to be fair to everyone. Those papusa guys should be lucky we even go there for lunch once a week!"