June 2003

Lucky Retards

GLEN BURNIE, MD-- In a mall in northern Anne Arundel County, Maryland, Evil Robots, Inc, staff writers Grandpa and Bigfoot thought they were going to see a movie and buy some hilarious tee-shirts, but they got much more than they expected when they ran into a mentally retarded child with a big mouth.

"I couldn't believe what I was hearing," said Grandpa, giggling. "We were at the Orange Julius stand and I was listening to this kid talking to his mother, and he talked way younger than he looked." Grandpa's first guess was that the child was "a retard".

As Grandpa and Bigfoot waited for their Orange and Strawberry Juliuses to be made, their attention was directed to the child and his mother, sitting just around the corner from their place in line. Before too long, all doubt of the child's retardedness disappeared.

"Then, all of a sudden, he started yelling," Grandpa said, dripping some of his Orange drink on his new "I Farted" tee-shirt, "The kid was, like, 'I peed my pants once!', and he said it over and over again."

"His mom stood up with him, and looked around for the restrooms. She made eye contact with the guard standing in front of the CVS and he pointed down the hall. She grabbed her boy and they darted away. The whole time, the kid just kept saying, pretty loudly, 'I peed my pants once.'" Grandpa then realized that he had been able to pick out a retarded kid just by the sound of his voice. Also, he laughed for about five minutes.

Godzilla later informed Grandpa that he "once saw a retarded kid completely drop trou" at a urinal at an Orioles game. "He was taking a piss while showing his bare ass to everyone in the bathroom." Godzilla then went on to say that he thought the kid might actually be a genius. "After my next head injury I plan on doing the same thing all the time. Even at bus stops in the middle of the day."

"Gosh, retarded people can get away with anything. Lucky bastards."

For many years, retarded people have been kept away from the general public because they are either too distracting, or too embarrassing, but thanks to shows like "The O'Reilly Factor" and "Sesame Street", the average American is better able to detect retards in their midst.

Mall officials did not have any reports of retarded children peeing in their pants that afternoon, so it is possible that the already funny situation did not get any more funny. Of course, with the large population of retards in this country, officials at the NIH report, boisterously entertaining retarded people will be appearing in more and more public places.