July 2001

Governor Signs Bill to Create Deaf Ear Office

STATE CAPITAL, USA- Today Governor Theham B. Urgler signed into law a bill which creates a new office, the Governor's Office on Constituent Avoidance. GOCA will provide needed assistance to state employees who do not want to hear gripes by constituents.

"This is the most positive legislation ever signed into law." Said Governor Urgler, who went on to sign dozens of other bills.

After the ceremony, several members of the Governor's staff left early, with an automatic transfer to the new GOCA office set on their phones.

The Governor and sixteen staff members left for an exploration of Florida's Golf Courses on a two-week long study. Twelve female members of a State University freshman metaphysical poetry class were flown down later that afternoon for "study help."

One Governor's advisor, Chet, transferred this newspaper to GOCA. An unnamed person answered the phone. A transcript of the conversation follows.

GOCA: What?
ERI WIRE: I am calling to complain about the bad sewers in my neighborhood.
GOCA: Yeah. I heard that already.
ERI: What are you going to do about it. My taxes pay your salary!
GOCA: Alright. Yeah. Well, I hear what you are saying.
ERI: What are you going to do?
GOCA: Could you please hold?
(Pause)
GOCA: Click.
ERI: Did you just hang up on me?
GOCA: No, I said 'click'.

Before a response could be offered, ERI was put on hold. The music was "Don't go away mad" by Motley Crüe (from Dr. Feelgood). After two rounds of "Don't go away mad" and four different versions of "The Answering Machine Song" by Rupert Holmes, ERI was nearly ready to hang up, when the line came alive.

"You see, sir, I have to get this other call. Can you call me later. Thanks."

Then the line went dead.

ERI and several other news angencies were transferred to GOCA numerous times over an hour with calls about poor health care to high taxes. After examining the tape recordings, we came to the decision that GOCA is staffed by only one man.

Other songs featured on the hold music: "Love of a Lifetime" by Firehouse, "C is for Cookie" from Sesame Street fame, and "Don't Worry, be Happy" but not by Bobby McFeran, the instrumental version.
At presstime, neither Governor Urgler nor any member of his staff could be reached for comment.