July 2002

Godzilla visits Baltimore for shaved ice at Grandpa's house; gets drunk; Godzilla forces Grandpa to do the dishes.

BALTIMORE, MD- In a report leaked to the press last night by sources close to Evil Robots, Inc. co-founder and CEO, Godzilla, the world was able to catch a glimpse into the high class lifestyle of two well-to-do media tycoons.

According the report, two weeks ago, on a Wednesday, Godzilla rode a MARC train to Baltimore to dine at the residence of Evil Robots, Inc. co-founder Grandpa and his wife, the lovely Bigfoot. Godzilla chose not to drive because he planned on getting "wicked drunk" at dinner.

"Yeah, I had dinner with those two," said Godzilla, in an interview yesterday, "but I can't tell you anything else. we swore a blood oath, asshole, and those things are real freekin' hard to break. But your face isn't, fucker."

The report, a memo actually, stated that the dinner would consist of fajitas, booze and shaved ice dessert treats. One puzzling line stated 'Apparel Discussion', another read 'Logging onto the Go Network from Home.' When asked, Grandpa said, "The Go Network, eh? You had to be there, man." He paused and continued, "Of course, it's something you should do by yourself if at all possible. Unless you're really into German schiesse films, I guess."

When asked about the 'Apparel' notes, he said nothing and walked away.

But, according to another source, Godzilla and Grandpa did not have separate servings of booze and shaved ice. Rather, they mixed booze into the shaved ice and drank it. This lead to the pair being quite drunk. Before Godzilla left for Washington, D.C., he apparently said to Grandpa, "You better wash the dishes or I am gonna stick my dirty finger in your ear!" This source tells us that Grandpa washed the dinner dishes with Godzilla's 'dirty' finger next to his ear.

Godzilla, in an interview this evening, said, "It's not what you think, I mean, you know, that's something we like to do when we are really drunk. You wouldn't understand. And you wouldn't understand if I explained it to you because I am about to hit you over the head with a shovel so hard that you won't be able to understand anything. Ever."

These many reports give us a great deal of insight into the inner working of one of North America's most successful online publications. For over three years, the publishers did not allow leaks of this sort. For many of their competition, this is a very good sign.

Phil Sack of the New Yorker said, "I am not surprised that those two would sit about the table eating fajitas and getting drunk. They are irresponsible and may finally have to accept responsibility for their actions."

In response, Godzilla said, "What the fuck? The New Yorker said that! Those uppity bastards have been trying to steal my writers from me for years- unsuccessfully, I might add. And now they are gloating at my apparent failures? Whatever. Fuck the fucking New Yorker. In the face."

Subsequent reports of the evening reveal that an angry Godzilla was forced to take a cab home from Union Station due to Amtrak running severely behind schedule due to excessive heat. Godzilla's finally commented, "What a buzzkill… I wanted to stay drunk all the way home, not just halfway."