July 2003

Evil Robots Announces Revolutionary New "Dump Weight Every Morning" Diet, Promise Loss of 180 Pounds in Six Months!

In a early morning press conference, Evil Robots co-founders Grandpa and Godzilla announced what they called a "weight reduction plan for the 21st Century American!" The program, which they plan on selling by mail and, eventually, on the television, is based on "the miraculous power of taking a shit!"

According to the leaflets, paper-clipped to promotional hats reading the slogan 'I lost weight this morning!', their discovery will allow every man and woman in America control their weight in the guilt and shame free room in the house - the bathroom.

"Every morning, American's wake to a new day, full of possibilities." Said Grandpa, "You people out there need to take advantage of the first great opportunity of the day and crap your weight away!"

With a chart, Godzilla pointed out that he had "dropped" between one and two pounds each morning in the last month, totaling forty-five pounds. "You see, people, we are here to tell you that weight loss is possible every day if you only try REAL HARD!"

Grandpa elaborated further, "Every diet in the world promises weight loss, but not the cumulative amount of weight loss that we can. When I went on the Atkins diet, I lost thirty pounds, but on the Evil Robots Miracle Plan, I've dropped over 180 POUND in the last six months! What's more, I get the added benefit of taking a satisfying shit EVERY morning! How many other plan can promise that?"

"And if you poop only once a day, you'll also get an additional fifteen to twenty minutes in which you can read, balance your check books, or call your parents to ask them for money. Who else offers that kind of fringe benefits?"

In the minds of many dietitians, the Evil Robots Miracle Plan is nothing but 'smoke and mirrors.' Dr. Hillary McTrotter of the John's Hopkins University Dietary Institute objected to the plan, saying "They don't promise any more weight loss than occurs after a normal bowel movement. How can they sell this to the public?"

"The numbers don't lie, Dr. Fat-Wad!" yelled Grandpa, from a storm drain below her office window. "You people want Americans to eat salads and fish, but that's not what we want. My plan lets people eat what they want, and as long as they weigh themselves before AND after taking a shit, they'll see results in the first day." As he climbed out, he was heard muttering, "screw those Johns Hopkins jerks" and something about "mole people" to himself.

The idea is that net weight loss is less important than gross loss will change people's attitudes about themselves, claims Godzilla.

"When you wake up in the morning, would you like to be able to look forward to GARUNTEED weight loss? Of course you would! And how about a total amount of dropped weight at the end of the week? Yes, again! The days of letting your weight determine how much weight you'd lost are over! You just have to total the right columns on Total Weight Loss Chart and believe your math over your scale."

"The public will go for it," they said, "Americans are idiots."

At the end of the press conference, Godzilla and Grandpa showed parts of a video which will be sent to people who sign up for their plan. The video contains candid shots of what the two call "taking the kids to the pool" and standing on their bathroom scales.