July 2003

Godzilla and Grandpa Covet Each Other's Grass

A recent finding by the Evil Robots Self-Awareness Institute, announced yesterday, declared co-founders Grandpa and Godzilla to be jealous of each other's life-style. The rift, growing over the past few months, has shattered the foundations of Evil Robots, and may make some grown men cry at night like little girls.

Since mid-February of this year, Grandpa has been unemployed. In that time, he has repeatedly called his friend, Godzilla, to tell him about a day-time Tee-vee show he watched, or that he is playing on the internet in his underpants. While Grandpa remains adamant about his desire to begin working again, he is in no rush to end his days of undressed relaxation. Besides, with his wife, Bigfoot's paycheck and the unemployment paying all the bills, he does not need to start working immediately.

Godzilla, on the other hand, slaves away at his day-job for less than he knows he deserves. In fact, he claims that he "wouldn't wish his [sic] paltry salary on a bunch of assholes he hated". But, when he gets home from a hard day of working or drinking, he can sit down on his couch and relax in the air-conditioned comfort of his Washington, D.C. apartment. He likes to tell Grandpa, who does not have air-conditioning in his apartment, about his cool-comfort as much as possible.

"I especially enjoy talking to that asshole when I am standing right in front of the A/C in my underpants," added Godzilla.

According to the Self-Awareness Institute report, Grandpa and Godzilla suffer from Cross-Life-Style Jealousy Syndrome, commonly referred to as CJ-SJS. Each individual, while content with their current life-style arrangement, yearns for the other's. The covetousness can often lead to teasing by one, and crying like a little girl by the other.

"Whenever he talks to me about laying down next to his air-conditioner, I get real anxious. Some times I day-dream about being Godzilla." said Evil Robots co-founder, Grandpa, in an interview released by the Institute. "I also want to have his job. They have A/C in his office, you know."

"Once he called me to tell me he was sitting bare-assed on his A/C," Grandpa went on. "Fuck that guy."

Godzilla, who has know Grandpa since 1994, said, "He told me the other day that he watched four episodes of M*A*S*H in a row, and he was wearing just his underpants. I can do that way better than he can! My underpants are bigger!"

Other aspects of Godzilla's life coveted by Grandpa, according to the study, were: his subscription to Vanity Fair, pension benefits from work, and ability to check out hotties in D.C. on Friday nights. The combination of desires sometimes makes Grandpa uneasy when talking to his partner, Godzilla.

In the same manner, the study found, Godzilla is all wantin' on Grandpa's stuff: his marriage, HBO subscription, and bi-weekly check-cashing adventures in West Baltimore. Godzilla admitted that sometimes his CJ-SJS makes him cry, often like a little girl.

"I don't even like Vanity Fair anymore," sobbed Godzilla. "That butthole can have it."

The Institute suggested that to alleviate some of the pressure put on both of the executives, they begin a frank and open exchange, and even a physical exchange of coveted items. This idea does not sit well with everyone. Bigfoot, Grandpa's wife, said, "They better not try to switch on me. I can totally tell them apart!"

Despite the possible roadblocks, researchers think the problem may be rather easy to solve. "When Grandpa finds a job, then he will be able to restart wishing he was unemployed, or dreaming about winning the lotto. At that point, the two of them will be able to commiserate with instead of covet each other."

Other researchers were not as positive, "You know, those two jerk-offs just need to jerk each other off."