August 2002

Flying Sharks Still Don't Exist

WASHINGTRON, DC- In an unsurprising move to anyone that knows him, Godzilla recently informed everyone that he came into contact with that, much to his relief, flying sharks still do not exist. Godzilla then went on to explain himself further by stating that "there is no worse possible existence than living in a world where flying sharks are a reality".

The Flying Sharks Scenario is just the latest in a long series of ridiculous fabricated phobias that sources close to Godzilla claim to "be amusing the first week or so". Previous planned phobias include clowns, blimp attacks, and being mauled in the elevator by escaped bears from the National Zoo.

The Flying Shark Scenario, however, seems to have some staying power. "This one's actually kind of makes sense," quipped fellow Evil Robots executive Grandpa, "but then again, I'm on my eighth Mountain Dew of the day. Bitch."

In an recent interview, Godzilla further expounded upon his rationale in selecting his newest phobia. "At first, as usual, I just thought it was a funny thing to be afraid of. But then I realized that it's probably the most terrifying thing possible. They would just swoop down and bite your fucking head off. Much worse than giant spiders. And I REALLY fucking hate spiders."

"Anyhow," Godzilla continued, "the Flying Shark Scenario has turned out to be a positive force. Let me demonstrate…. Hi-Ya!" Immediately following this comment, Godzilla executed a karate chop to this reporters testicles, causing an immense amount of pain and an eventual trip to the emergency room. But as I lay doubled over on the floor, Godzilla proved his point. "Yes, that was a horrible experience, was it not? But you must admit that living in a world with Flying Sharks as an every day threat would be far worse. In fact," he continued, "every time I am having a bad day, I sit myself down and remind myself that I don't live in a world where flying sharks exist, and whatever it is, it just doesn't seem so horrible".

After hearing this explanation, my testicles didn't feel so bad after all.