August 2003

NSA Now Prepared to Answer, "Where's the Beef?"

In a surprising move by the U.S. National Security Agency, senior officials disclosed previously classified material to the general public last Friday. These sensitive documents had been locked away for some twenty years, but are now available for public perusal on the NSA's website.

Agency chief Ed Gainsborough stated in the press conference last week that, "During the height of the controversy we were unprepared to divulge the answer. It was a highly-protected topic concerning our nation's security, with potentially damaging results if the answer or answers had fallen into the wrong hands. Like the Latvians."

Along with Assistant Director Jayne Collier, a presentation of the Beef's wherabouts was led by Gainsborough and a blue ribbon task force of scientists from multiple fields. "A more accurate question would have been 'Where's The Beef this week?', as The Beef was moved around rather frequently." Reporters were then shown satellite imagery and technical specs showing the Mobile Beef Transport Units, or MBTUs, which would safely ship The Beef to wherever it was needed. "We knew we had to keep it away from the likes of McDonald's, Wendy's, Hardee's and, naturally, the Latvians", stated Gainsborough in a show of grim determination. "Then those Burger King bastards started poking around looking for answers. We were almost caught off-guard. Fortunately we had double agents, like The Hamburglar, working on our side."

As the press release indicates, The Beef was housed in its primary storage facility just outside, ironically, Omaha, Nebraska. Statisticians and security personnel quickly deemed this facility unsuitable for continued storage purposes. "Several Burger King agents had been spotted nearby and had already begun asking questions of the locals. Lucky for us, they were easily identified by their dorky 1970's throw-back uniforms and headsets", stated Collier.

The NSA swiftly took more stringent measures for ensuring The Beef's safety. Many alternatives were offered, but they finally settled on the MBTU system. Surprisingly, the major problem, "wasn't with refrigeration, but with keeping The Beef entertained." Thus would begin a long journey of silence and isolation for The Beef.

"Seriously," Collier rhetorically intoned into the ether, "have you ever tried to make a side of Beef laugh? It's not easy."

"Rumors started flying once the B.K agency caught wind of The Beef's absence", said Collier. "Several tabloids claimed The Beef had holed up with Kathie Lee Gifford, or had been secretly launched to a facility on the moon. It was all a load of nonsense, of course, but we encouraged the misdirection. The Beef was under their noses the whole time."

Understandably, Beef lovers are relieved at the announcement. "Finally, I don't have to search for Beef abroad and try to smuggle Beef home in my pants", said Beef aficionado Sherry Wilcox of Birmingham, Alabama. "After trying to bring back some very expensive Black Angus from Scotland in '87, I had a bad experience which taught me a very important lesson: Tofu that's been spray-painted an oozing reddish-brown is no substitute for authentic, succulent, dearly departed bovine flesh." Wilcox went on to say, "I'm so happy we've found The Beef. It's been a long time since I've had such tasty meat in my mouth."