August 2003

Public Policy Geniuses Devise Plan to Increase Transit Ridership, Relieve Boredom

Yesterday, Evil Robots co-founders Godzilla and Grandpa held a protest at the Greeenbelt, Maryland, Metro Station asking the Maryland General Assembly for "Masturbation Booths" to be installed in all Metro stations. The two internet pioneers demanded the booths for what they called "the betterment of rush-hour" for all. Chet Slifgaw, Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority (WMATA) spokesman, called the demands "unusual."

Speaking from a podium, and in front of a banner reading "Relieve The Pressure - - Fulfilling Urges" and, Grandpa made his appeal to local elected officials. "We challenge the Maryland General Assembly," said Grandpa, " to make a bold statement regarding men's mental health. Together we can fix that and the bad job market here in Maryland- and ease gridlock at the same time."

According to the plans released in a typed statement, the "Masturbation Booths" (knick-named 'Wack Shacks') would be installed on the platforms of all Metro stations in Maryland and Washington, D.C.. Men, should they be so inclined, would be able to masturbate while they wait for trains. There would be no charge for use of the facility.

"This will help all men in the metropolitan area spend their time better while they wait for their train," declared Evil Robots CEO Godzilla. "I am not the only person in the crowd who would rather beat-off than just stand around waiting for a train. And it's not just about ending soul-crushing boredom, either. Rush hour waits aren't so bad, but those 20 minute waits at 2 am after a night of drinking are unbearable. I just can't wait to get home and masturbate. So why can't I just take care of that right in the station and go right to sleep when I get home? Those precious few moments saved would provide me the extra sleep I need to be a productive member of society. Surely, our government is not so cruel that it cannot do what's best for all men in need."

The plan for installation of 'masturbation booths' (a.k.a. 'beat boxes') is part of Grandpa and Godzilla's overall economic recovery plan. Each station with booths would need to hire five or six full-time employees to restock the tissue paper and pornographic magazines. "This is a great way to employ some of our more needy sexual deviants unable to find gainful employment," said Grandpa.

Slifgaw, of WMATA, later commented that he "didn't feel that the proposed 'Get out of your car and get off on Metro" was an appropriate slogan for the Authority's goal of increasing mass transit ridership.

The Evil Robots plan did not include installation of booths in Virginia Metro stations. "What do you expect from us? A miracle?" Said Godzilla. "Until a few weeks ago, they weren't allowed to sodomize each other. They are not as advanced as Marylanders are."

Grandpa added, "They are a bunch of jerk-offs, anyway."

According to the initial press release, this proposal was originally conceived of by Godzilla while skipping work and waiting for a train at Union Station en route to "serious binge drinking" with Grandpa and Bigfoot in Baltimore.