August 2003

Interview with New York's very own Senator Gronk

As part of a special, pre-Pig Roast, edition of Evil Robots, New York State Senator Gronk gave an interview to Buzzsaw. For those who don't remember or care, Sen. Gronk achieved infamy at last year's Roast.

BUZZSAW: Senator, last year at Pig Roast, you molested one of Grandpa's cousins, nearly set yourself on fire twice (including jumping into a bonfire for unknown reasons), and passed out on the grass. Also, you nearly fell down while urinating. What you have planned for us this year?

Gronk: Well, me and Travel Dog [his handle-harnessed pet- Ed.] plan on spending some quality time listening to some quality live music and introducing the five different home-made beers to my blood system. Someone told me that Justy will be serving some of his home-made ice cream as well. I am going to be drunk all day. Who knows what will happen.

BUZZSAW: Word.

Gronk: What's more, we hope to go swimming if it does not rain.

BUZZSAW: It sounds like you are going to have some fun, but how drunk will you be? That's what America really wants to know.

Gronk: I can't tell you right now. Will I be 'kiss everyone' drunk? Or will I be 'get set on fire' drunk? It's going to be a long day with millions of possibilities. I may do some things that could kill me, and I hope the hundreds of attendees are ready to keep me from killing myself.

BUZZSAW: Do you plan on being drunker than the Evil Robots staff?

Gronk: On an individual average or total body mass basis?

BUZZSAW: Either.

Gronk: I'm sure to be drunker than a few of them, but not all of them put together. They're like the Voltron of drunks, so the total body mass comparison is not something I intend to atempt. But I am sure to make more of a fool of myself than all those assholes- which I mean in the finest possible connotation- put together. Those guys sure are assholes. Damn.

BUZZSAW: So your telling me people should be prepared to do more than just watch you?

Gronk: Buzz, my friend, I endear myself to people. If I can die in an alcohol related accident, then anyone can. People need me to be alive for them to feel alive. I can't help it, it's my lot in life.

BUZZSAW: Do you plan on grabbing men's asses again this year?

Gronk: Of course! The first person who prevents me from falling into the fire will not be the only, or first, person to feel my hand on their ass. I'm going to get busy early this year. Also, I plan on sitting on people's laps and kiss them.

BUZZSAW: You are pretty good at that, eh?

Gronk: I like to challenge people. It's what I do.

BUZZSAW: It certainly is.