September 2001

Nations Capital Awash in Pork Propaganda

WASHINGTRON, DC- This city has been flooded by propaganda sponsored by the National Pork Board. The propaganda takes the form of plain yellow poster-sized advertisements with slogans in bold black typeface, commonly spotted at MetroBus shelters. Some of the slogans include "One Potato. Two Potato. Three Potato. Pork," and "I scream, you scream, we all scream for pork loin." Some say this propaganda is just confusing, but to others it seems more insidious.

"This 'porkproganda' is completely sinister!" CEO and Co-Founder of Evil Robots, Inc. Godzilla, screamed out the window of his tenth floor apartment. "I'm pretty sure that the Pork Board is out to destroy us all," he continued. When asked for further details he replied, "You do the math," and walked off. Apparently Godzilla changed his mind, throwing spare change at the back of the press corps heads as they turned to leave he yelled, "Call my office in the morning. I'm busy tending to my porno collection!"

In a subsequent follow-up interview, Godzilla revealed that the pork advertisements have caused widespread giggling that has destroyed productivity. "Nobody can get any work done," he stated plainly and without anger. "But then again, I am opposed to work. And I am not opposed to the innuendo associated with the word 'pork', especially when alluded to using the verb from."

"Oh, and if you insist on making a joke about this ad campaign being 'Washington pork barrel politics', this interview is over... via me punching you in the face. Please take that into consideration."

Godzilla's opposition to the "porkproganda" primarily manifests itself in public safety concerns. "Do you know how many times I've almost crashed my car or run over some stupid-ass pedestrian as a result of being distracted by this nonsense? Well, not ever, but it could. I know me, I'm easily distracted…" At this point Godzilla stopped talking and stared at his shiny metallic wall clock.

"Look at that second hand go!" he exclaimed.

"Anyhow," he said 45 minutes later, "where was I? Oh yeah, and another thing- those Pork Board ads are also about mind control. Why, I sat around for 2 hours replacing selected words in song lyrics with the word "pork". That ain't right! It possessed our minds. We could think of nothing else. And there were cookies there and we STILL couldn't think of anything else. What the shit?!"

"Enough of this! I need a hot dog!"