September 2002

The Monkees Sent to San Diego Zoo in P.R. Mix-Up

California media recently became aware of an embarrassing public relations mistake that nearly cost the lives of America's premier Beatles wannabe band.

The band's spokeswoman, Shari Tildon, stated that the Monkees new P.R. firm of Jenkins and Wilder made an egregious error in sending the once-popular 60s band to the Primate House of the San Diego Zoo. The just-hired P.R. Jenkins and Wilder apparently were confused when Tildon requested "something really wild" for the band's next performance.

Officials at the zoo were allegedly very excited at the prospect of receiving, in the P.R. memo's words, "four spectacular, though somewhat old, monkees named Davy, Peter, Mike, and Mickey". Zoo spokesman Jacob Van McAllister stated, "I admit that the names of the primates sounded a little familiar, but I wasn't quite sure why".

The Monkees, now recuperating in Cedars Sinai Hospital, recounted their horrific ordeal during a press conference on Monday. "When our driver pulled up to the zoo in our Econoline tour van, we didn't
think much of it at first", stated former heartthrob Davy Jones. Peter Tork continued, "Yeah, we had no idea what was going to happen once a dozen zoo personnel shot us full of tranquilizers from their
air guns". "They dropped on us from out of nowhere like a SWAT team", recalled lantern-jawed old coot Mickey Dolenz.

The worst, however, was yet to come, when all four semi-retired performers awoke to find themselves naked and being inspected, prodded, spat at, defectated upon, and, as one primatologist stated,
"assimilated into monkey culture" by the other monkeys in the glass-enclosed primate structure.

"The worst part was not the constant dodging of monkey feces flung by the chimpanzees, but it was the incessant shrieking and howling of the gibbons", said Tork, "It was a loud, smelly hell". Michael Nesmith, who was in the adjoining hospital bed visibly shuddered as Tork spoke. Doctors speculate that it may be months before the Wite-Out mogul comes out of his catatonic state.

During the band's sixteen-day ordeal, a shocking subplot involving Nesmith would unfold. Zoo security video seized by local authorities illustrate that Nesmith "had it worst of all", as he became the unwilling life partner of a 526-lb. silverback mountain gorilla. "Every time Mike resisted, the silverback 'Maury', just became more aggressive", said Dolenz.

Not surprisingly, Jenkins and Wilder have been fired after their short tenure as the has-been band's P.R. firm. The Monkees remain startlingly optimistic, stating that they are already planning yet another comeback tour. Said Dolenz, "It'll be therapeutic, I think, to get back on stage and sing some of the old favorites like 'I'm a believer' and 'Last train to Clarksville' for our fans". With a conspiratorial grin, Dolenz adds, "I shouldn't be spilling the beans just yet, but our new P.R. guys just set up our next big gig. It looks cool, too, since I've never been to Africa, and the folks at this Gombe place in Zaire seem really interested in having us".