Spetember 2002

"Bill" from Schoolhouse Rock Found Crushed To Death on Conjunction Junction Tracks

The nation today mourns the passing of "Bill", a crooning piece of prospective legislation who made his debut several years ago during one of many Schoolhouse Rock installments. His impact on television viewers and current politicians is undeniably profound.

The County Medical Examiner, Joseph McGill-Koslowski, stated in a press conference yesterday afternoon that Bill was discovered near the tracks of Conjunction Junction by Interplanet Janet, a close friend and colleague of Bill's. Janet said that Bill was almost completely shredded and could barely read the fine print and lobbyist rhetoric that made Bill unique. The conductor in charge of operations at Conjunction Junction made comments through a spokesman. Several onlookers at the press conference noted that the conductor would not make eye contact with anyone present. The conductor blamed his oversized engineer's cap for this breach of etiquette.

Bill leaves behind twin Post-It notepads, Bea and Brandon, as well as a wife, Leigh Gal-Padd. They were visibly distraught when the Coroner exhibited the remains to the grieving family members, as she had to piece together the clauses and paragraphs like a jigsaw puzzle. "It was no easy task", said Coroner Elizabeth Sellers. "I mean, imagine having to make some sense of a multipage document which had been nearly obliterated under the thundering wheels of a speeding locomotive, one which was weighed down under the cargo of countless and's, or's, but's and yet's", she reflected.

Other members of the Schoolhouse Rock community could not be reached for comment. There will be a viewing next Thursday, and Leigh, Bill's widowed wife has set up a fund to which public contributions of Scotch tape, Wite-Out, Bic pens and ribbons may be made.