October 2001

Grandpa Asks Nation to Forget About Missing Parmesan Cheese

Baltimore, MD- This week, Grandpa, still embroiled in a cheese eating scandal, asked the country and especially the staff of Evil Robots, to think about more important issues.

"With all the country is going through, I think we need to concentrate our energies on making this country safer for democracy. I think we should drop the whole missing parmesan cheese thing," he said in a phone message left a few days ago.

Grandpa is referring to the scandal which rocked the country two months ago when it was revealed that, after a night of moderate to heavy drinking, Grandpa fell asleep in front of the refrigerator and ate at least two entire blocks of cheese: one cheddar and one Swiss. A block of parmesan cheese is still missing from the fridge.

"With all that this country has been through, I think that we should be able to rise above the petty details of daily life and try to enjoy what is important: Liberty, freedom, and happiness." Said Grandpa.

In another message, Grandpa went further, saying that "The mysterious shark attacks on the fridge- which have not been covered by the media- as well as the cheese eating obsessions of Chandra Levy, point in two very different directions. If people would only stop for a minute and think about a more logical answer, this whole mess could be over."

"You people think that the first person you suspect must be the guilty person. You people! Gary Condit and I are innocent people being tried in the court of public opinion from which there is no escape! Why won't you people believe me?"

In a statement wrapped around a hot dog and placed in the food service tray of the White House press corps, Godzilla said, "Grandpa should shut up and admit that he eat the cheese. Last week at work I told everyone in the office when I cut the cheese, and they were very appreciative. Do you understand what I mean?

"He is being very silly about this whole thing. The Sharks could not have eaten the cheese that night. They were in Rock Creek Park that night locked in the historically epic battle between great white sharks and polar bears. The polar bears live in the National Zoo, right in the park. And don't think that they can't hear what I'm saying, either. They know. I know because I was there. If you don't believe me, just ask Gary Condit and OJ. They were there with their shovels."

At press time, Grandpa cannot be found for comment, nor are there any almost predictable messages on written on flounders and stuffed through the bureau mail slot.