October 2002

Monday Night Football Announcers Replaced by "Golden Girls"; No Discernable Change Noticed

Football fans everywhere were momentarily baffled last Monday night when the familiar faces of Madden and Michaels had been replaced by four septuagenarian comic actresses cast in TVs "Golden Girls". The shock was short-lived, though, as fans realized that the
switch was neither an improvement over nor a detachment from the previous announcers John Madden and Al Michaels.

Viewer Ty Wallace commented, "Hell, I had gotten so used to seeing old farts like Madden, Bradshaw, Summerall, and some flavor-of-the-week coach, I barely noticed that four dry, old bats were now running the show".

Those few who were stunned were the ex-commentators themselves. "Who the hell arranged this? I come in on Saturday morning for note-sharing and basic prep, and BOOM!, I'm out on my ass", said 300+ lb. former coach Madden. When reached for comment, mediocre ex-kicker Pat Summerall said, "Mmmbl...graph...uh,.... Tarkinton.....er,....".

NFL execs, when reached for a statement, said that, "It was time to shake things up. Dennis Miller was brought on board for that very reason. We just figured that maybe this time, it would work". The "Girls" themselves are ecstatic over the new appointment. "Well, ah declare, Ah'm jess tickled pink", stated feisty Southern belle Rue MacLanahan. "Say, you're kinda cute", she added. Betty White, the new sideline reporter replacing such slow ex-players as Lynn Swann and Eric Dickerson, said, "You know, back in St. Olaf I had lots of experience with football. Just as the class of '46 starting line of the St. Olaf Vikings".

Crotchety old mother hen Estelle Getty, the new locker room correspondent, was seen doddering about with a knitting bag and glasses on chains while lead commentator Bea Arthur declared in her trademark gravelly baritone, "Ma, will you sit down and join the
interview?" With poised elegance, and a little bit of sass, the incomparable Arthur has taken to her new assignment with little difficulty. "After being married to Stan, I can handle just about anything. These linebackers are chump change".

The lovable foursome aren't without their critics. Bald Terry Bradshaw was apparently "livid" and "beside himself" stated former color commentator Dick Enberg, "He pulled out the rest of what little hair he has left".

Regardless of the neutral reception thus far, the quirky quartet are optimistic of their future in football. Stated Arthur, "We're going to do our best out there. I mean, it could be worse, you know. It could be the cast of "Empty Nest" out there".