September 2003

Mayor O'Malley to Travel to Space, the Moon, Even

BALTIMORE MD- The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) announced today that irresistibly cute Baltimore Mayor Martin O'Malley will travel to space on the next Space Shuttle flight scheduled for March of 2004. NASA directors would not comment on specific aspects of the mission, or why he is going in the first place, other than saying, repeatedly, "Could you say no to that face?"

O'Malley, a first-term Mayor of Baltimore, recently won his party's nomination to seek a second term, spoke with a group of elementary school children in Federal Hill, saying, "I'm going to space! I have to say it was a good day. And no policemen got shot with an AK." Following which he said to a group of teachers, "I knew I was the man with the master plan, to make you wiggle and giggle like gelatin."

O'Malley's spokesperson, Peter O'Malley, stated that while the Mayor would need to spend plenty of time preparing for his mission to outer-space, he would not stop "styin' and profilin'" for the citizens of Baltimore City. "Martin O'Malley," he said, "whether it be as a government official or as the leader of his Irish rock band O'Malley's March, will always represent the people of Baltimore no matter where he goes."

A secret NASA memo leaked to this news organization revealed a possible itinerary for the Mayor's trip to space. Many of his activities were common for space-travel (space-walk, eating dehydrated Shepherd's Pie) but many were unusual even by NASA's standards. On the preliminary schedule for his third day in space, Mayor O'Malley would land on the moon, perform three songs, and give a live speech to "a group of elementary school children in east Baltimore." NASA officials would not speak to reporters on the record concerning this leaked memo, saying only "Don't push- 'cuz we're close to the edge," followed with a brief spate of laugher that was flat, methodical, and unemotional even for engineers.

On an afternoon talk-radio program, the Mayor, in an unscheduled interview with host Steve Bullrim, spoke frankly about his ambitions to become a astronaut. "I always wanted to be a space man, and since I get to do whatever I want, that's what I'm going to do."

He also added, "I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to boast, but I like hot butter on our breakfast toast! Rock it up baby bubbah! Baby bubbah to the boogie da bang bang da boogie to the beat beat! Its so unique come on everybody and dance to the beat!" Then he hung up the phone.

Members of the Baltimore City Council were outraged when they learned that the Mayor planned to visit outer-space at such a critical time in the life of the city. "I'm a nightmare walkin'!" said Council President Sheila Dixon. Councilwoman Rikki Spector added, "Yeah, and I'm a psychopath talkin'!"

Conservative Baltimore Sun columnist Gregory Kane was then heard to say, "To show that I am down with my fellow 'brothers" I have to say that I guess the mayor showed his true COLORS toda…"and then was ripped from his Lexus and beaten to death with a six foot length of garden hose at the corner of Calvert and Read Streets.

Maryland Attorney General Joseph Curran, who is also the Mayor's father-in-law, said of his amazement in O'Malley announcement, "Take it from me, parent's just don't understand!"