October 2003

Evil Robots to Virginia, "No, you're still morons!"

In the days after the California recall election in which a barely comprehensible action-movie star was elected Governor, the state of Virginia, in the eyes of some observers, started looking less like a confederacy of morons, and more like garden variety dolts. This apparent improvement in stature worried the executive staff at Evil Robots, Inc., so they held a press conference late that week to set the record straight.

Godzilla, CEO and co-Founder of Evil Robots, arrived in a red jump suit, claiming to be an "off-duty mobster." Co-Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Evil Robots, Grandpa, wore a tee-shirt and shorts because that's what he could find on the floor of his apartment. Subsequent calls to the Evil Robots external affairs office were able to clarify that Godzilla did indeed claim to be an "off-duty mobster", not a lobster. Godzilla himself offered this comment: "Mobsters can wear red too, jerks. Also, lobsters are never off duty. They are always delicious".

"Since the King of England deemed Virginia unfit to control one drop of water in the Potomac River, it has been clear to all people that Virginians, as a whole, are not good people." Grandpa continued to say that, "Virginians, for their part, have tried to change that perception with their 'Virginia is for Lovers' campaign, but it will not stand. Not on our watch!"

"Hell yeah!" added Godzilla. "Those punks in Virginia think that the recall is going to earn them a free pass, but that's not gonna happen! We are here to remind you all that Virginia is always going to be for losers! Even after it gives us blow jobs, which it has. We still don't respect it in the morning."

The recent Supreme Court case involving Virginia's right to draw water from the Potomac river, a rough and pointy bone of contention in the Evil Robots staff lunch room, was hope for the pair.

"We're certain that even the Supreme Court is not so hell-bent to destroy this great country that they would grant Virginia the right to destroy another natural beauty like the Potomac River," intoned Grandpa. "Of course, that nut Scalia lives in Virginia…no, I don't event want to think about it."

Godzilla then went on to explain that just because it is official Evil Robots policy that Virginia sucks, the hiring of Virginians is not hypocritical. "While it is certainly true that the Commonwealth of Virginia sucks," Godzilla explained, "this does not preclude us from hiring residents of Virginia. Look, we're liberal dudes- we're all for affirmative action and are an equal opportunity employer. We DO NOT discriminate against cocksuckers".

Grandpa then jumped into the fray by commenting that, "while Virginia is for Losers, we still respect them as Americans, though barely. We enjoy their wine. It's not like they are California, Texas, or Florida. We'd like to see those fucking places turned over to Mexico. We do, however, encourage Virginia to watch it's fucking back."

Finally, Godzilla added, in a note written on the back of Stonewall Jackson's actual death certificate, that the state of Virginia is good for nothing. Drew a stick-figure giving the middle finger to a roughly drawn outline of Virginia as well. The stick figure said, in a bubble, "Fuck you!"