December 2001
ERI Declares Pirates to be Cooler Than Cowboys
Dinosaurs and Robots Still the Coolest
BALTIMORE, MD- In a recent poll of top Evil Robots
staff, pirates were declared 'cooler' than cowboys.
The poll, which was taken over the course of three weeks this November,
rated a number of possible occupations or reincarnations that the
executive staff at ERI thought were cool.
At the top of the list, as they were last year, are (#1) dinosaurs,
and (#2) robots.
In an official statement, Grandpa and Godzilla praised the findings.
"You're goddamn right pirates are cooler than cowboys. Pirates
get to wear ear rings and eye patches. Cowboys chew tobacco and
never loot, plunder or rape. They should be on our un-cool list,
except that they do have guns sometimes dynamite."
This is how the List of Cool Stuff, top ten rounded out:
- Dinosaurs
- Robots
- Robot-dinosaurs
- Robot-cars
- Scott Baio when he was in Zapped
- Outer Space
- Professional Baseball players
- Thai Hookers (having one, not being one)
- Pirates
- Cowboys
Grandpa and Godzilla noted that Pirates and Cowboys had edged out
Jet Planes and Trains, but reasoned that this was due to the influence
of "possible dorks" who they claimed, "should expect
a first-class ass-kicking in the mail imminently."
Grandpa revealed the possible source of such infiltration by stating
that, "grad students and reporters are tops on our un-cool
list."
"Right," chimed in Godzilla, "Cowboys have to work
real hard to be the most un-cool, those lame-ass hats are a good
start, though. In fact, Grandpa, I'd like to take a cowboy hat,
fill it with barf, and super glue it to the head of the first grad
student I see."
"I like the way you work it," replied Grandpa.
"No diggety," added Godzilla.
