December 2001

Godzilla Has Hot Dogs and Beer for Breakfast, Cereal for Dinner on Saturday

WASHINGTON, DC- In a statement written in permanent marker on the forehead of a surprised and groggy Washington, DC Mayor, Anthony Williams, Co-Founder and CEO of Evil Robots, Inc., Godzilla, admitted to an unusual weekend diet.

Written backwards so that Mayor Tony could read it in a mirror to the gathered press, the message read "Yo, Tony! You will never guess what I had for breakfast this morning! Wanna guess? Hot dogs and beer!" The message was written entirely in carefully printed capital letters, due to Godzilla's indecipherable cursive. "Hell, I can't even read that shit," he is frequently overheard telling bus drivers and hot dog vendors.

Godzilla continued, "I skipped lunch, yo! Then I had two bowls of cereal for dinner. Can you believe that s---?"

The Mayor broke down and wept after reading the message. "I'm tired of Godzilla ridiculing me and calling me baldy," he was heard to say between sobs, "but at least the purple marker matched my bow tie".

Grandpa, the remaining Co-Founder of Evil Robots, Inc., said in response to the message left by Godzilla on the forehead of Washington's Mayor. "I was going to do the same damn thing on Martin O'Malley's forehead, but there was about a half a dozen drunk Irish folk singers already scrawling obscenities all over everything up on that joint and shit," Grandpa said.

"So I decided to write dirty limericks on my bare ass instead. That was funny. Especially when I showed those kindergartners," Grandpa added.

Grandpa also delivered an empty Pringles can to a reporter in front of the Baltimore Sun's downtown Washington Bureau on K St. As the unsuspecting reporter opened the can, Grandpa said, "Here, this is for you, mac." After the reporter nodded thankfully and ate the alleged potato chips at the top of the container, he sensed something was quite awry. As Grandpa started making faux-gagging noises, the reporter pressed down against a Pringle and plunged his hand deep into a the thick, butter-rich layer of greasy vomit at the bottom of the can, buckled over, and emptied the contents of his stomach onto the sidewalk. "This is what I had for breakfast," Grandpa explained before riding off on his BMX Huffy, then calling over his shoulder as he popped a wheelie, "What do you think of that, jerk?"

As of press time, Grandpa's question still remained unanswered.

At the conclusion of this incident, Godzilla galloped around the corner and accused the dry-heaving and fetal-positioned reporter of being a horse thief. "Sheriff, I caught me a horse rustler!" yelled the clearly delusional CEO as he danced around the reporter's writhing body while firing both his cap guns into the air.