November 2003

Grandpa Disappointed in New Shredder, Self

The hot story around the household of Grandpa and Bigfoot last week was the arrival of a paper shredder. Specifically, it was Grandpa who anxiously awaited it's arrival due to an error on his part, but the new addition to the house is nonetheless appreciated.

"I must have misheard [Bigfoot] or something, because I didn't expect a real shredder," said an embarrassed and upset Grandpa. "This is not what I expected."

According to Grandpa, he thought his wife had purchased a 'Shredder', from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles show, action figure, not a paper shredder. He actually e-mailed several friends with the news of his new present. "I am such a moron," Grandpa added later.

"He certainly is," replied his wife, Bigfoot, "I didn't even know who this Shredder was in the first place. Besides, I've been talking about buying a paper shredder for, like, two years. He knows this."

Friend and co-founder of Evil Robots, Inc., Godzilla, concurred. "That guy must have shit for brains. Seriously, what did he deserve to get a new toy action figure? Pass a fractions test? I feel dumber just because I know him."

The new shredder, which Grandpa actually used this week to destroy a large pile of old bills and credit card stubs, is black, and came with a garbage can to catch the shredded paper. Bigfoot found the item on E-Bay, the on-line auction site. At the time of purchase, she did not consider any possible misunderstandings, for, she said, she thought her husband was not dumb.

"I couldn't believe it, he is a total fucking moron," she said, "I showed it to him when he came to pick me up at work, and he looked disappointed. Then he started rambling about this damn action figure. I wanted to be left alone."

A week later, Grandpa still rambling in his own defense, "You'd make the same mistake, wouldn't you? I mean, you know, it's not all that hard to be mislead by a woman. Yeah, that's it. she tricked me with her boobies. How can I pay attention to her? This is, at most, 40 percent my fault."

Godzilla, though, had this to say, "No woman, no matter how pretty or caring, would ever buy a twenty-eight year old man, with no prior interest in action figures, an obscure toy for no reason. Legos, yes. Action figures, no. The only explanation for this mix-up is this: Grandpa is stupid."

Godzilla, in a subsequent early morning press conference held in his bathroom, demanded that Grandpa run a few sandwiches through it. "Don't be such a pussy!" he yelled at Grandpa (who was asleep, 50 miles away, in Baltimore). "I don't care what your wife says, you have a duty to yourself and this organization to use this to grate cheese, then run bigger and bigger sandwiches through it until you break it. This is what these machines are used for. Also, dude, you should totally be cutting bread with scissors, not a knife. Knives are for stabbing, scissors are for cutting."

Becoming yet more incoherent, Godzilla mumbled and slurred, "I ate this many pies," holding up four fingers on his right hand and the middle finger on his left, then immediately passed out buck naked in his bathtub. Sources later reported that Godzilla had been awake all night drinking National Bohemian beer and eating pie.