December 2003

Maryland Can Lick My Heinous Anus
A Rebuttal

What follows a rebuttal by the Commonwealth of Virginia of a completely deserved attack in our October 2003 issue, as told to and compiled by Chimpy, a native Virginian who loves his state so much he fled half way around the world to Japan. The original can be read here. -Ed

Those were the words spoken last Wednesday by Virginia in response to ERI co-founder and CEO, Godzilla's remarks about Maryland. "That's because Maryland totally likes that shit. No other state is willing to admit it, but you should hear what they say about you when we get together and you're not around. Since you took a swing at me, I'm going to bury your sorry misshapen ass."

Instead of taking offense to ERI founders Godzilla and Grandpa, Virginia decided to lay waste to the worthless Eastern Atlantic State itself. Virginia was noticeably irate, but clearly composed as it delivered a withering salvo of fact-based attacks in its defense. "I think all of your frustrations and obvious feelings of inferiority stem from the fact that you're the eighth smallest state. I'm sure it's tough; I wouldn't know, as I'm the thirty-fifth largest. Plus you have the wussiest State Motto: "Fatti Maschii, Parole Femine" -- Manly Deeds, Womanly Words. HA! What a puss! I've got three words for you, asshole: Sic Semper Tyrannis!"

Virginia was accompanied by estranged yet loyal friend, West Virginia. The Mountaineer State wore a look of support and utter agreement as Virginia continued its relentless barrage. "Besides that, your State Symbols are for shit. Whereas your sorry-ass State Flower is the Black-Eyed Susan, my State Flower is the same as the State Tree. Two for one, muthafucka! And, even though our State Beverages are the same (Milk), we all know what yours should be (Hint: "glug, glug.... I'm SO drunk!").

Maryland was clearly uncomfortable during this harangue, and with good reason. Witnesses stated that they almost felt sorry for Maryland for what Virginia was doing to it, but then they remembered what assholes Marylanders are. Virginia felt it necessary to continue calling attention to Maryland's seemingly boundless ineptitude. "It's so telling that your State Sport is 'Jousting'. Even Texas knows that my State Sport is 'Kicking Maryland's Ass Up and Down the Fucking Street'. You know why Nevada hasn't spoken to you in years? It's because your Unofficial State SOIL is Sassafras. Jesus, where's your backbone?"

Then, in Virginia's words, it was time to "get historical on your (Maryland's) ass", by saying, "Not only are you the laughingstock of the original Thirteen Colonies, do you know what I refer to your residents as? "Beltway Canucks". Because *everyone* hates Canada! It just makes sense! Then there's Governor Asslick. What an idiot. Your politicians all suck ass and have always sucked ass. Really. Let's analyze this for a moment. Which of us is nicknamed 'The Birthplace of Presidents'? Not you, dickless. I know you don't want anyone to know this, so it won't pain me to announce it: You haven't produced ANY Presidents AT ALL. Not even any bad ones. None. Chump. But, to your credit, you have produced some movie actors. Like Eddie Deezen. Nice job."

Virginia then regained some composure, and went on to say, in more controlled tones, "I don't blame you one bit for lashing out blindly. That's what states in your position do. Juvenile behavior like that is par for the course. Just cope with the fact that no other state likes you."

It was to no one's surprise that the target of the rebuttal left the press conference early, before it could hear Virginia's comments about Maryland's "crabs problem".