January 2004

Grandpa Screwed Up Big Time, Gets the Shaft

BALTIMORE, MD - The holiday season is a time of joy for many people, but not for the entire Evil Robots staff. In fact, Evil Robots, Inc. Co-founder and Editor-in-Chief, Grandpa, did not have a very merry Christmas. You see, Grandpa's wife kicked him out of their Baltimore apartment, forcing him to rely on the kindness of his friends and co-workers.

"Godzilla was real nice. He gave me some Mad-Libs and a six-pack," said Grandpa, on the phone form the Sleep-Easy hotel on Ritchie Highway. "You know, being alone is not too bad if I can forget about all the pain involved."

Late in November of 2003, Grandpa's long suffering wife, Bigfoot, kicked him out of their Baltimore apartment, and they began a 'trial separation.' For a couple of weeks, he lived with his wife's parents, but they grew tired of him, and he was forced to move back to Baltimore, closer to his place of employment, Tate's Cajun Sports Bar in the Inner Harbor. He waits tables during lunch, Monday through Saturday. Please be sure to tip well. Valid bus transfers accepted.

"I figured that I could spend some holiday time with my Mom and Dad, but they invited Bigfoot to their annual Christmas party, so I could not go. And since she was staying at their house, they asked me to stay out of town until the New Year." Grandpa ate Christmas dinner with an unnamed Hindu family he met at a South Baltimore curry shack. They gave him a bowl of tapioca pudding, and a coupon for disposable razors. "That was real nice of them. With the money I saved, I was able to leave my parents a message on their answering machine. I did't know if I would have had enough change for a long distance phone call."

According to Grandpa, Bigfoot kicked him out of the apartment without time enough to pack a suitcase full of anything more than two days worth of underpants and an extra pair of shoes. "I am hella lucky I left my uniform at work, because she was being real unreasonable that evening."

Despite Grandpa's claim, many of his friends heard Bigfoot's side of the story via the internet on her new blog, "Bigfoot's Misery" (which can be found at www.evilrobots.com/screwyougrandpa)

"She called me about an hour after she kicked him out," said Rick Danger, a friend of the couple. "I don't know who is right or wrong here, but I'll put money on it being Grandpa. He probably really fucked this one up."

"She called me immediately," said Grandpa's father, "and by the time we finished talking, his mother and I had decided to sell all of his Christmas and birthday gifts. He called us about two hours later, but we didn't pick up the phone."

Grandpa's mother added, "Yeah, we didn't return his call for two or three days."

When reached for comment, Evil Robots Co-Founder and CEO, Godzilla, suggested that "Maybe Grandpa shouldn't have been standing out on the corner of Read and Charles Streets wearing tight cut-off jeans screaming 'I make you holla fo' twenty dolla!' and making blowjob gestures to dudes in passing cars on Bigfoot's birthday. That could be part of the problem. But at least he made 180 bucks that night, which he promptly blew on Pac Man trading cards at the comic book shop."

"Still," he continued, "I can't believe Lucky gave him forty bucks and a black eye."