March 2004

Troy Aikman Makes Out With Some Dude in a Bar, According to Notrious Drunks

Filed at 12:02 AM ET

HIGHLAND PARK, NJ - This past weekend, Evil Robots Co-Founders, Grandpa and Godzilla, spent seven and a half hours at a local NJ bar drinking beer and watching college basketball. While doing so, they claim to have see former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman making out with some bar patrons.

"We were at the bar for a few hours, watching basketball and hanging out with our main man, Steve," said Grandpa in a phone call to this reporter late last night. "Steve and I had just bet Godzilla that the bar stopped selling food at 11 o'clock when we saw it!"

According to Grandpa, two 'preppy' looking college age kids entered the bar around midnight for PBR and some pool. They played at the table with a person wearing a Troy Aikman football jersey. "It had to be him, it just had to. Who else would wear such a thing? John Riggins? Maybe a person impersonating Troy Aikman, but that's all I am willing to believe."

"Grandpa is full of shit! Don't listen to that gaylord," said Godzilla, "Me and Steve were talking about whipping fried cheese-bread at the preppy girls across the bar, when I saw Grandpa crying. I was like, 'Grandpa, what the hell are you crying about?' And he was all 'I can't believe Troy Aikman is making out with that preppy dude at the pool table.' And I was all, 'Steve! Get a load of this!'"

Godzilla, who was sitting on the hood of this reporters car smoking cigarettes after closing time waiting to tell his side of the story, did not know what to do when he saw the two 'dudes' kissing.

"You see, I was real lit up at that point, and Steve was wearing my glasses, and I had an uneaten cheese-bread in my hand. I couldn't really tell how tall that dude was. His mullet kinda skewed everything." Godzilla added. "Grandpa's crying didn't help things neither. Steve and I were hella embarrassed."

Grandpa's wife, Bigfoot, who also happened to be on the scene, claimed that "Troy Aikman" was probably just some lady named Tina and that nobody made out with anybody. "Tina sure didn't like those uppity yuppies hanging out in her bar, though," Bigfoot elaborated, "I'm pretty sure she wanted to break her pool cue right over that horsey bitch's fat ass."

"Besides," she concluded, " I'm pretty sure those two assholes [Godzilla and Grandpa] were huffing gas all afternoon behind the Gulf station on route 27."