May 2004

Evil Robots Celebrates 5th Anniversary with Opening of "Time Capsule"
We Are Five

WASHINGTRON, DC- In celebration of their fifth consecutive year of publication, the co-Founders of Evil Robots, Inc., Godzilla and Grandpa, threw a party at Mr. Godzilla's deluxe Washington, DC apartment. Present for the festivities were evilrobots.com contributors Bigfoot (Grandpa's wife) and Buzzsaw (Godzilla's personal secretary and robot-bodyguard, in addition to the publication's head correspondent). They enjoyed a large tray of Grandpa's famous Mac-n-Chee-n-HotDog Caserole, potato chips and two boxes of red wine.

After eating the food, and enjoying a few glasses of wine, the party retired to Godzilla's den to open the official Evil Robots "Time Capsule." Back in 1999, Godzilla and Grandpa placed a number of precious and timely items in a stainless steel thermos, wrapped it in bubble wrap, and promised to open it in May of 2004, on the fifth anniversary of Evil Robots first publishing. By their own admission, both Grandpa and Godzilla had forgotten what they had placed in the thermos.

"I hope it's not filled with turds," slurred Godzilla.

"Yes you do," Grandpa retorted.

Godzilla then shrugged, "Touché."

At the top of the capsule, the words "Satisfaction Guaranteed" were written. Godzilla, with the sound of drumrolls accompanying him, twisted the top of the cylinder off to reveal the contents. The group gasped with anticipation.

The first item pulled from the capsule was a small, triangular sign bearing the words "Caution - Evil Robots at Work!" which almost moved Buzzsaw to tears. Were he real, or not a robot, he may have cried. That was his motto, he said. Other paper artifacts were: a pencil drawing of Box and Holmes, a drawing of a talking penis, and a post-it with three phone numbers on it. All of the paper products were made by Grandpa. He could not remember who's numbers were on the post-it. He tied to call one of the numbers, but it was disconnected.

Godzilla beamed when he found a mix tape he made titled "Kicking Back in 2004", which contained songs by Stevie Wonder, the Brand New Heavies, and Quincy Jones. "This is proof," said Godzilla, "that I know more about music that anyone else. The mix is deep!"

Godzilla handed the capsule to Grandpa, who pulled out an Adventure People figure with the name "Rick Danger" written on his back.

Grandpa also removed a small rock with the words "Up yours, ass-hole!" written on it. Godzilla laughed, saying "I was gonna make you swallow it back in 1999, but I thought this would be better."

"After all this time," said Grandpa, "I'm proud to be here with all of you. You made this publication what it is today!"

"Sit on it, Potsie!" yelled Bigfoot, "Thanks to this site, you've missed hours of time with me, which may or may not have included sex. I cannot believe you still do this to yourself."

Godzilla then claimed he remembered sex for the 8th time that evening as nobody listened to him.