August 2004

Senator Gronk Unfortunately Sober; Grandpa's Uncle Yells at Nearly Everyone

NISKAYUNA, NY-- Besides eating copious amounts of succulent pork products, the Annual Pig Roast at Grandpa's Brother's compound is chock full of traditions. There's drinking , volleyball, live music, skinny-dipping, and much more. Two of the most cherished traditions for attendees is watching the slow and hilarious deterioration of Senator Gronk as he spirals into drunkenness, and watching Grandpa's Uncle sober and engaging arguments with Grandpa's Father. This year, one of those traditions fell short, while the reached soaring new heights.

To the surprise of all attendees, Senator Gronk arrived with a new, smaller version of Travel Dogg, called "L'il TD". People also noticed that after a couple of hours, the good Senator from New York had not become tipsy. In fact, he was not one bit buzzed, according to eye witnesses.

"You know, I drove here from Albany County," said one disappointed attendee, "but Gronk does not appear to have harassed Justy even once. It's like I'm in a different world."

Evil Robots Wire Service employed nearly a half-dozen reporters to wait in the gutters and ditches in the vicinity of the Pig Roast to get a first-person eye witness account of a possible gutter-nap taken by Senator Gronk. Those reporters came home muddy, hungry, and covered in mosquito bites.

However, those lucky enough to sit at the table under the giant white "Main" tent at the Pig Roast were treated to an especially delightful event. Grandpa's Uncle, the older (and reportedly "better looking and smarter) brother of Grandpa's father, held court around a large, red table for over four hours. This year, just as in previous years, he questioned various aspects of his younger brother's opinions, even when they were not different from his own.

"When I first came to the Pig Roast in 1998," said Evil Robots contributor Schlomo, "I was amazed at how two liberal and Democratic men could differ in opinion. I could watch them talk about politics or starting a fire. I didn't care! I knew it would be a blast!"

"You know," added Grandpa, "One time I actually did watch the two of them argue about the best way to light a pile of charcoal. It changed my life!"

Throughout the afternoon, many people sat around the table watching or participating in the fray. But, unlike years past, where Uncle exclusively picked on his younger brother, the challenges were open to the public.

Grandpa's Father was very relieved, "This year, I could barely get a word in edgewise because so many people were joining in the conversation. My brother loved it! There were eight or ten more people who were wrong!"

"Is it my fault that those people don't know how to use the English language?" asked Grandpa's Uncle. "If not for me, none of them would know how to think, much less what they are thinking."

"It's my public service," he added. "I guess this makes me one of the Thousand Points of Light!"

Two days later, after a savage beating, Evil Robots CEO assured this reporter that he was never wrong when asked for comment. "Wait, what was the question" Godzilla then inquired, "were you asking about my Hot Wheels collection?"