August 2004

Schlomo and Lefty Bring Make Unannounced Appearance at Annual Pig Roast
"That was totally rad. They need a holiday named after them."

NISKAYUNA, NY -- The Annual Pig Roast at Grandpa's Brother's compound in Upstate New York suffered slightly from the morning rain. However, the lure of the smoked Pig drew a decent crowd, and by the time the pig was actually served, people enjoyed pulled pork and bean salad under a partly cloudy sky.

Newly dry attendees sat around tabled under a large white tent, chatting about the year gone by, and the fresh baked cookies quickly disappearing from the far end of the almost never-ending table of food. However, not everyone was content.

"You know," said Grandpa's father, "it's too bad that Schlomo cannot attend this year. I enjoy talking with him, and this is usually my only chance to see him. He's like the son I never had."

Godzilla felt the same way, except for the part about having a son. "You know, Schlomo has been hiding from me since he visited DC a while back and lost his shirt in a game a poker. I took a picture of his nipples then again wearing a diaper. Oh wait, I guess he is like the son I never had. Oh, and Schlomo's supposed to pay me not to sell the pics to the Financial Times. Where's that dork with my money, dammit?"

In truth, Schlomo and his wife, Lefty, were visiting friends of theirs in Western New York. According to an anonymous source, the party was being held to celebrate Lefty's initiation in a "secret society." The society, our source claims, is an exclusive organization made up of people who have tattoos of Elvis Costello on their body. They are called "Elvis on My Cheekers" in California and the Pacific Northwest, but in New York and the Mid-Atlantic they refer to themselves as "Members of the Spike's Secret Order of Painted Skin." This sick, demented group of individuals meet together once a year to welcome newly tatted members.

"No, actually," Godzilla added, "it's a secret club for dorks. The sit around drawing unicorns and rainbows on their Trapper Keepers."

Apparently, Left and Schlomo's party ended early. Thanks to their brief gathering, they were able to rush eastward to Grandpa's Brother's party for a surprise visit.

Towards the end of Pig Eatin' Hour, Bigfoot spotted Lefty and Schlomo walking up the driveway. Immediately, the entire Evil Robots, Inc. staff in attendance leapt from their seats to greet their road weary friends. Beers and laughs were served, and meat was passed around as freely as the hugs.

Grandpa's Uncle, suddenly hunched over, sobbed that he was no longer the center of attention.

Grandpa and Godzilla, consumed with joy at the surprise arrival, conferred together about how to commemorate the occasion.

"I thought that getting them a beer would be enough," said Grandpa, "It's not like we can rename the Pig Roast after them."

"I don't know about that, jerk," replied Godzilla. "I know everything. Also, I have more Hot Wheels."

After another round, and some more chatting, they decided to declare the annual group skinny dip on the Friday night before Pig Roast as the "Annual Lefty and Schlomo Commemorative Group Dangle".

"You know," said Grandpa, "skinny-dipping in a Sea of Lee at night is always full of surprises, for both the men and women involved. How better to honor the friendship and sacrifices of those two? I don't care how cold it is next year. I'm gonna swim naked next year in the name of Lefty and Schlomo. And maybe rub myself up against the side of the pool a little bit."

When asked for comment, Schlomo hiccuped for twenty minutes.