September 2004

Hobo Dan Arrested for Public Drinking, Giving Police "The Business"

ALBANY, NY - Evil Robots wandering correspondent, and brother of ERI's Grandpa, Hobo Dan, was arrested by Albany City police last week. Police reports indicate that the ERI funded, self-proclaimed "King of the New York Hobos", was cited for both "public intoxication" and "giving us the business."

Later that night, Hobo Dan was released on $500 bond. When contacted for comment he said "That was a total bogus arrest. I was just a beer around, and that whole 'business' charge baffles me!"

The arrest occurred on the 16000 block of Washington Avenue in Albany. Hobo Dan joined some young people in front of their home as a party broke up. When the police arrived because of a noise complaint, they immediately received verbal abuse from Hobo Dan.

"As soon as we exited our cruiser, this tall gentleman began yelling at us about our appearance," said Officer James DelManicotti, a five year veteran of the Albany Police force. "He told me to go home and iron my shirt. Then he began yelling 'No officer with unpolished shoes should ever be let out in public!' over and over again. We did not know what to do."

The party, according to the other arresting officer, Sergeant David McKerpowski, was a gathering of a local Young Christian Fellowship organization, who had meet to watch movies and plan a community fundraiser. "These kids looked like good people, and that Hobo guy was being pretty loud. When we arrived, he told me to get a haircut, and I'm freakin' bald!"

Sgt. McKerpowski immediately arrested Hobo Dan on charges of Public intoxication, and what he called the "Old Dutch" Giving Them the Business statute.

"We all learned about this back in the academy," said McKerpowski, "that if a person delivers a stream of attacks on a police officers appearance, we can arrest him. It dates back hundreds of years."

According to an Albany Police spokesman, the "Giving Them the Business" statute dates back to when the British took control of the former Dutch city Fort Orange. Dutch settler's would taunt English peace officers with comments about their appearance. In an attempt to keep control of the situation, the English passed a law in that city banning any criticizing of the dress or cleanliness of the police. That law was reaffirmed in 1791 by the Albany City Council, and has been on the books ever since.

"I didn't know what the police could do at first," said Edward Jenkins, who attended the Fellowship meeting, "because that hobo was not using cuss words or being violent. He said the police needed to iron their uniforms, and clean a couple of stains off of their pants. I can't believe that's against the law!"

"Neither can I!" yelled Hobo Dan as he left the courthouse. "I'm just saying that no cop who looks like a soup sandwich can tell me what to do, is all! Then I get arrested! This is an outrage!"

This was the first arrest in Albany for "Giving Them the Business" in over 100 years, said a police spokesman. "Most people use a swear word or insult an officer's mother after a while, but this guy stuck to his guns about the whole shoe polish and ironing deal. Our officers had no choice but to use that old law. We can't allow that thing to get out of hand."