October 2004

Police Think Justy is Dead. "Long Live Justy!" Says ERI Staff

ALBANY, NY - Members of the Albany, NY Police Department announced the end of their exhaustive search for missing ERI staff member, Justy. According to sources inside the office of the Chief of Police, a lack of leads or evidence of foreign travel lead them to the conclusion that he is dead. "This is a shame, and I feel terrible for his family," said Police Spokesman Donald Sprinkleman, "but there are more interesting people for us to search for. If he was a blonde, white woman, we'd care."

Just went missing in early September, shortly after the annual Pig Roast. The last person to see him alive, new ERI writer Hobo Dan, claimed that Justy was "doing as good as could be expected" when they parted.

"You know," said Godzilla, CEO of Evil Robots, "it's not like this will effect our publication. He never wrote anything for us. I don't know why we called him a staff member. Well, maybe because he used to be cool before he got a haircut and went to law school."

Grandpa, Justy's brother and Evil Robots Editor-in-Chief echoed that sentiment. "He was a staffer? Jeez, I can't hardly remember the last time he wrote something for us. I totally gave him a tee-shirt, like, two years ago, because he promised to write something. If I find that shirt, I'm gonna burn it at his funeral."

Regardless of how Justy's editors feel, the October 2004 issue of Evil Robots will be dedicated to Justy, although there will be no printed notice of the memorial.

"Fine, I'll write it on a Post-It Note, stick it to a bowling ball, and drop it through your windshield if you care so fucking much!" screamed at this reporter and about 25 other people riding the 42 bus to Mt. Pleasant at 2:30 am last Thursday night after leaving the Brickskellar at closing time. Godzilla was then asked by the bus driver to get off at 18th & Columbia, NW, which he did, then stood and urinated on the side of the bus as it drove off.

The editorial board decided that an implied memorial better suited the situation because they did not find a body. Buzzsaw said in a statement read to the media, "Justy is dead. Long live Justy! But, if he does turn up alive, we don't want to look like a bunch of jerks for having a memorial page or nothing. We're just saying, if we did a permanent memorial to Justy and he turned up alive, we'd have to kill him to save our dignity. Nobody wants that. We have no dignity."

Police sources claim that the only way they will find Justy's remains is if he is buried near "a more press worthy missing dead person."

"Yeah, like Santa Claus! Hey kids, Santa Claus is dead," screamed Godzilla at a press conference held at a bowling alley last Saturday afternoon, instantly ruining 8 birthday pizza parties.

The chances of Justy's corpse turning up next to somebody that actually matters have not been calculated, but they are not considered to be very likely.