January 2005

Take The Evil Robots Bowling, Take Them Bowling

Following orders from Evil Robots, Inc. CEO and Co-Founder, Godzilla, Northern Regional Staff met with Editor-In-Chief and Co-Founder, Grandpa, to discuss plans for ERI's coming year. Godzilla had similarly done likewise with much of the Southern Regional Staff in recent months. Or, as it was more accurately reported by eyewitnesses, Godzilla got drunk at severall holiday parties and yelled at his friends. But as is Grandpa's wont, he decided the most secure and private place to hold such a meeting was a bowling alley. Between the discussions about international fiscal policy, political activism, sailing the Greek islands, and eating waffles, the gang enjoyed some good old fashioned bowling. Below is a photo journal of their time on the lanes.

1. Grandpa, despite all his talk of keeping a kickin' back lifestyle, NEEDS to focus before he rolls. Once he typed everyone's names into the computer, he sat quietly and starred at the pins. When Bigfoot asked him what he was doing, he said "I think number six is the weakest. Hit him real hard, and the rest will follow suit. He's their leader."

Grandpa is not going crazy. He's a dork.

2. Once Grandpa finished his silly meditating and Schlomo returned with the beer (which his wife, Lefty, poured obediently) the bowling could begin. Before rolling, however, Schlomo stopped for a moment, and held his large red ball for all to see. "Set the course for the Gutterball Nebula, Mr. Sulu," he said. "Ay, ay, Captain!" Grandpa shouted back.

(One of ERI's secrets is that Schlomo is the Cpt. Kirk of our operation. He never loses the big fights, AND he travels to alien lands to have sex with mysterious space-vixens.)

3. Schlomo opened the festivities by skipping his pre-planned trip to the Gutterball Nebula, instead taking a trip to Sparesville. This was not a picture of things to come, but a clear message was sent to the pins: You have no idea what we are going to do! Their message was an homage to the foreign policy of the Bush Administration ("You see, the thing is, we don't condone gutterballs, but we do not want to say we'd never roll one or two in the name of freedom.")

4. Lefty is not as much of a political bowler as the rest. Sure, she's following the Gutter Ball Doctrine, but you could say that she rolls with more ESP than physics. The powers from the base of her brain are channeled through her chin and into the ball. After releasing the ball, she pulls it in a specific direction by standing to the left or right of where she released it.

"Four of those pussy pins fell before I released the ball, so I directed it into the gutter." As she explained her method of bowling to Bigfoot she forced Schlomo to bring her a beer with the powers of her index finger. "It's much easier than yelling 'Beer, bitch!' in front of all these nice people."

5. Don't blame me for this one. I (Buzzsaw) gave Grandpa the camera for one minute while I took a whiz, and he wasted a ton of film on shots of his wife's butt. When I got back, he had a guilty look on his face, and his left hand was all sweaty.

6. Grandpa is also a pouty bitch. It's always "I suck!" or "I can't get my fingers out of those holes!" with that guy.

In this picture Grandpa crouches as he fails to pick up yet anther spare. Unlike normal people who stand still as they ball rolls down the lane, he picks absurd poses to add some drama to his inevitable failure. Then, when he does not get what he wants, he's always banging his head against the invisible margins in my digital camera. He's the king of whining at the bowling alley.

OK, OK. Maybe I'm being a bit harsh on the poor guy. After all, he is the boss of me (along with Godzilla). He is not a terrible bowler. It's just that most of the time he's not very good. Here and there, he's kinda endearing. In this picture below, he celebrates picking up a spare. It's amazing because he fell on his ass as he rolled.

Summary
First of all, this bowling excursion lacked three critical elements: one, Godzilla; two, a talking dog; three, French fries. Sure, and Evil Robots bowling out will almost always be fun, but without the most essential items for ultimate fun, this reporter feels empty inside. I would have preferred to cover the caffeine induced gab session between Schlomo and Grandpa about economics. It's was, like, an episode of Professor Schlomo's Market Hour or something. (Yeah, and the two boys shared some waffles as they gabbed, which was totally cute.)