May/June 2006: 7th Anniversary Spectacular

Evil Robots Celebrates Seventh Anniversary with Washington Parade

WASHINGTRON DC -- In the early morning hours of May17, 2006, a nervous U.S. Capital Police van set out to do something they had never done before - close down New York Avenue. Closing such a critical artery of the Capital's traffic is no small order, but on this day, it was a cause for celebration. Washington was honoring the birthday of one of it's own.

Evil Robots, Inc. was not founded in Washington D.C., and most of the staff do not live here, but it's mailing address is in the District, and that was enough to convince Mayor Tony Williams to close down fifteen blocks of New Your Avenue on a Wednesday morning for a birthday parade. "Evil Robots turned seven years old in May, and their continued commitment to receiving mail in Washington is a credit to their dedication to America." Mayor Williams added, "I also understand that their CEO provides substantial tax revenue to the District through his patronage of liquor stores in Brookland and Chevy Chase."

Godzilla, CEO of Evil Robots, Inc., appreciated the gesture. "Mayor Tony called me up, like, three weeks ago and said, 'Hey, Godzilla, are you guys having a parade for your birthday? Because you should.' And I was all, 'Well, Grandpa and I usually get drunk and crank call Gary Condit, but I think a parade would be nice.' Then Mayor Tony said, 'Is a week from next Wednesday good for you?' The rest is history."

The First Annual Evil Robots Birthday Parade kicked off at 11am at the intersection of New York Avenue and South Dakota Avenue in Northeast, with Godzilla and Mayor Williams as Grand Marshall's. They marched in front of a float which Godzilla and Grandpa hitched to the back of Grandpa's Jeep. The theme of the float was 'Timetables of History', and showed, in a swath of carnations, the difficulties of putting their first issue together.

"It was a terrible night," said Grandpa, "because we were almost finished with all the content, but I had diarrhea. Fortunately, our route passed by the Washington Times building and I was able to offer them a fitting tribute all over their front lobby windows. Still, by the end of the night, I was sore, tired and late with my last article. Godzilla picked me up, however, and wrote it for me." Grandpa paused to wipe away a tear. "He is such a trooper."

The following three floats were dedicated to the current staff of Evil Robots, and was called "Lazy People Who Don't Send Contributions In On Time", and depicted Godzilla and Grandpa dragging crates full of the magazine up a large hill. When asked about their inspiration, Grandpa said, "You have no idea how pathetic those writers are. They have drivers take them to work, they are unemployed, but still, at the end of the month, they cry about 'Not having enough time'!" (Grandpa made sarcastic 'quotes' with his fingers.) "How hard is it to answer three questions? Must be real goddamn difficult to think about them while your limo-driver takes you to work?"

Many people who lined the streets to see the parade liked the "Lazy People" float best. One on-looker said, "It's like their staff members don't care." Another added, "I have a worthless staff, too. Every time they let me down I will think of that float. If Grandpa and Godzilla can persevere supported by worthless turds, so can I!"

The last eight floats were operated by the Local 987 Guild of the American Hobo Legion, a group of retired train-riders and 'bums' who march in, and at the same time clean-up parades for a living. Guild President "Breacher" Tom Monroe said, "I don't read that magazine. But Godzilla and I have had a good working relationship for many years. He is a hobo at heart, and we'll do anything to help him - especially organize a parade for him at the last minute!"

The Local 987 raised over $300 in coin donations from the on-lookers at the parade. The money will go towards "whiskey, beans and cigars - in that order!" according to members of the Guild.