September 2000

Press Release: Evil Robots Staff Attacked by Blimps

In two separate incidents separated by several hundred miles and only 14 days, Evil Robots staff were attacked by the Monster.com blimp.

The first incident occurred in Allentown, PA on a Monday afternoon in mid-August. The victims were not sure of the date as they were on vacation. Evil Robots, Inc CEO and Co-Founder, Godzilla, and Contributing Writer, Princess, were minding their own business in on of the many fine parks that occupy the landscape of Allentown. As the two victims were approaching their car in order to exit the park, Princess looked up and noticed that there was a giant orange blimp overhead.

This observation prompted a frantic response from Godzilla, who has been plagued by blimp attacks for much of his life. "It’s out to get me, I know it!" he hollered. At his urging, Godzilla and Princess attempted to make a speedy get away.

Outrunning a blimp is not as easy at it seems. While blimps may be slow, they soar high overhead and can see everything with their omniscient gaze. This is an established scientific fact. Blimps are all-knowing, all-seeing.

Princess then used her deft driving skills in an attempt to out maneuver the Monster.com blimp. It hovered, plotted, and replotted a new course with every bootlegger turn and side wheelie that Princess made.

Eventually the two were able to stave off the attack by going inside. While blimps may be all-knowing and all-seeing, they are harmless to those inside since they essentially giant balloons.

It was at this point that Princess began to reconsider her long standing mockery of Godzilla’s ranting and paranoia concerning blimps. It was less than two weeks later that she would never doubt Godzilla’s insight into the nature of blimps again.

Just two weeks following the initial Monster.com blimp attack, Princess fell victim to blimp treachery for a second time. The second incident occurred as Princess was discussing matters of a scholarly nature with Editor-at-Large and Science Advisor, Sketchy in Williamsburg, VA. It had taken the puffy airborne monster two weeks to catch up with Princess, but it had no questions as to what it was doing. The blimp hovered high overhead and menaced the terrified Evil Robots staffers with it’s lighter-than-air display of power. The blimp let it be known that it could defy the powers of nature, such as the law of gravity. The blimp let it be known that its power is undisputed.

The blimp made no physical attack, as they rarely do. The Monster.com blimp was, however, able to inflict tremendous emotional and mental damage upon its victims. In a blimp attack, the intention is to drive the victim insane. This is how the blimps intend to conquer the world and enslave us all.

While Godzilla feels vindicated to the extent that the world has stopped doubting his claims of nefarious blimp overlords, he has still suffered tremendous trauma. He now claims that the blimps know that he is on to them, and is therefore going after his dearest friends. He says that the blimps are now attempting to destroy him by attacking his loved ones and co-workers. Godzilla claims that the blimps will stop at nothing to destroy him and that just reading this statement puts one at considerable risk of suffering a blimp attack.

The Monster.com blimp was unavailable for comment.