November 2000

Mediator needed to oversee messy breakup of ERI Corporate Headquarters

As the technical and creative branches of Evil Robots relocate to distant cities, a custody battle unfolds. Kidnapping charges may follow if professionals mediators fail to resolve this dispute.

Sources close to the conflict report that tensions were raised by the disturbing loss of an oregano jar, all but one knife, and several favorite pieces of cookware. The injured party further complains of certain items NOT being removed, among them a cat bowl and "piles of filth." A court date has not yet been set to rule on custody and possible visitation rights to the cookware.

Peaceful resolution, however, appears hopeful. With the return of the oregano jar, the trauma of a lengthy legal battle is less than certain. "I’m just glad to be home," the oregano jar commented on Thursday. "Hopefully my friends will also be saved."

A recent discovery that both halves of the ERI cutting board(s) remain has led to intense speculation about the missing knives. There are no answers yet in this bizarre case, but informed parties can’t stop asking themselves: "What can he do with all those knives and no cutting board?"