ERI LABS- In a ground-breaking report sponsored by the Evil Robots, Inc Board of Directors it was conclusively shown that scotch will get you way drunker than beer. The report was released at 3:56 AM one night last weekend. Excerpts the report follow:

In the Executive Summary it was stated that clinical trials were conducted with Dimple Pinch Blended Scotch Whiskey, Bud Ice, and water—designated as the "control substance". The trials were conducted over a six hour period. A stereo and/or a television may have been involved, and access of telephones and email were not restricted by the proctor, who was only identified as "that guy who brought us some pizza, I think maybe his name was Ricky Charmichael. No wait, he’s the guy with that PlayStation dirt bike game." It was then noted that "maybe we shouldn’t have written this part the following morning."

Page 1. The effects of beer on the human mind and body are well known and have been documented by this research laboratory in many previous and rigidly conducted trials. The effects are for the most part pleasurable. The scientific term for this effect is "drunk". However, there is much speculation in the scientific community that a substance known as "scotch" produces a similar, yet more powerful and intense state of "drunkenness" connoted as "blasted". We are determined to produce extensive documentation verifying or negating this hypothesis.

Page 12.  Beer before licker, never been sicker… what was I saying? Oh yeah, did you refill the ice tray?

Page 29. No no no no no no, you just don’t get it—there is no way in hell that CHiP’s could catch Knight Rider.

Page 63. Da da dada-da-da da, HEY, you suck!

Page 76. I pity the foo’ who don’t like T!

Page 88. Dude, I can’t believe she left. Sure, it’s been like six years, but I luuved her so much. She left me. I hate that bitch hore. Hey! Porno!

Page 116. That’s what your mom said.

Page 116-b. She’s a slut.

Page 119. I can do it. I can totally punch through that wall. Check THIS shit out!

Page 207. I pity the foo’ who don’t like T!

Page 301. No, the Decripticons were the flying jets and shit. You’re thinking of the other guys who had that base in another dimension. You know, their leader was a truck. Trucks are rad! Have you ever seen Truckasaurus. He’s like a truck or something that breaths fire and smashes other trucks.

Page 332. So one time back when I was in high school, right? Me & Brad & Chet & Bowser & no wait, it wasn’t Chet it was that guy, dude who was he? Um. Duh, it was Gregg. What the hell happened to that guy? My brother heard he was injured in Desert Storm, right? What was I saying? Oh yeah, so we got us some fake ID’s at the beach and went to this really cool bar on Division Street where there where a bunch of really hot college chicks, right? So anyhow… now wait, it was a really cool tittie bar and Gregg made us get some Jegermeister. Jeger rules! I hear that it used to have opium in it, right? How cool would that shit be? I remember one of my friends older brothers got his college to give him money out of the student activity fund for his hunting club. But here’s the thing- Jegermeister means huntmaster- so they took the Jeger out into the woods and got drunk. They got the school to buy them booze, and they weren’t even 21 yet! Awesome! So Brad drank WAY too much Jeger, right, and hey did the old technicolor yawn all over the table when one of the naked chicks was walking by and splattered barf all over her ass. What a dick!

Page 365. Who spilled a Bud Ice in the kitchen? Dude, where are the paper towels? Ah, fuck it- we’ll do it tomorrow.

Page 398. Dude, it was Chet! Gregg was in my math class. He was cool though. My bad.

Page 421. I pity the foo’ who don’t like T!

Page 493. Hey, who would you fuck at work? I totally wantto bang this hottie who sits near the water cooler. She’s got a nice rack. And her ass is off the hook! I bet she’s all freaky in the sack. Dude, that rhymed! I would totally get all up in that shit. I’d be all smooth and get her to do it with me in the copy room.

Page 546. Man, I love you guys. You guys are the best. I hate Pennsylvania. You guys are way better than Pennsylvania. If Pennsylvania was a guy I would punch him in the jimmy.

Page 594. Connect Four, I win! Didn’t you guys watch TV? C’mon- "Pretty sneaky, sis." When I was 5 I totally wanted to bang that kid’s sister. I’ll show you who’s pretty sneaky. Take that! I’ll connect four all over your face.

Page 611. I pity the foo’ who don’t like T! Fuck you, YUU shut up.

Page "fourftyhundred eleventeen". Hey guys! Dude, I gots us a kickin-ass ideea. Lisften. Hears whats we go. I say we go too Atlantic City. We gootta. If we leave right now we can get there by lunch. Man, that’ll be aewsome! Lunch in A.C! I hear that as long as your gambeling the drinks afree. We could get some more of this scotch. I just know they have it. They have everything. It’s Donald trump. He’s like a trillionare or sumfing. Let’s do it. We have to. I think it’s the best idea I ever hade. Whose with me?

So, in conclusion, scotch gets you way drunker than beer.